EAST LOS ANGELES, California - Comedian George Lopez has just been named by President-elect Barack Obama to be the new United States Border Patrol Director.
Lopez will head up a government organization which is comprised of 16,000 border patrol agents. He was interviewed by Bill O'Reilly of Fox News.
"So tell me Mr. Lopez what exactly is it that qualifies you for this most important job." O'Reilly asked.
"Well Mr. O'Reilly," Lopez replied, "I was born in Mission Hills, California, I am a Mexican-American, I am an expert on Mexican-American culture, I know a lot about race relations, and I own three Chihuahuas."
"Hmmm." O'Reilly replied, "What else?"
"Okay," Lopez said, "I am fluent in Spanish, German, Russian, Tex-Mex, Cajun, Kenyan, and Alaskan. I also know the names of all of the members of Menudo, I have kissed Salma Hayek, I've shared a breakfast taco with Paul Rodriguez, and I once talked to Eva Longoria-Parker at a Spurs-Lakers basketball game."
And just to show you that I am not prejudice, I hate Carlos Mencia and Erik Estrada just as much as I hate Jay Leno."
"You hate Jay Leno?" O'Reilly asked. "Yes, I do. He is a backstabber with the stupidest looking hairdo I have ever seen, except for maybe Donald Trumps. And also he has the biggest chin west of the Mississippi. Gosh, that thing is so big you could play poker on it."
"Okay moving on," O'Reilly intoned, "Will you support the continued building of the border wall?"
"Hell no!!!" Lopez yelled, "Look Billy boy, let's be honest here. You and I and everyone else knows that we are spending billions of dollars on that damn wall and we are just throwing our money away. Hell if I was south of the wall, I guarantee you that I would be north of the wall in just a few minutes.
Those Mexican 'vatos' (guys) are olympic wall jumpers and olympic under-the-wall diggers. Each one of those guys has a gold medal in the 'getting over or under the wall' event...trust me Billy.
So Santiago (Bill), the best way I can describe building the wall to keep the illegal aliens out is like trying to stop Niagara Falls with a washcloth. It just ain't gonna happen. If we really want to waste our money, let's just build a bunch of igloos for our polar bear population in Oklahoma."
"Okay fair enough," O'Reilly stated, "So then Mr. Lopez, would the next Director of the US Border Patrol like to explain why two years ago he hired five illegal aliens to landscape his yard."
And Lopez answered, "They were not illegal aliens, they were cousins of mine who had come up from Tijuana to help celebrate my 45th birthday. And they just happened to come up in their company truck, which just happens to have Los Muchos Amigos Lawn Service on the side.
But I tell you what we can talk about Diego (William) and that is your illegal alien maid, Margarita Vanilla who has been working in the O'Reilly home since March 17, 2003. Or we can talk about Taffy Tecate-Torres your illegal alien cook who has been cooking your meals since September 29, 2005.
Or how about your live-in mechanic, Ricardo Del Chorizo who not only works on and services your automobile collection but who also has taught your wife how to do the Mambo, the Samba, the Paso Doble, the Mexican Hat Dance, the Cha Cha Cha, and the Ooh La La."
O'Reilly interrupts him , "Ah, Mr. Lopez, that is enough. Sir you have clearly made your point. This interview is over. We are officially done. We are through opining. And the spin stops here, or to put it in Spanish, the el spino stops here-o."
In a related story, later on that afternoon, an assistant to Mr. O'Reilly was video taped ushering Margarita, Taffy, and Ricardo into O'Reilly's SUV and taking them to the downtown Greyhound bus station.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Bill O'Reilly was recently asked if he was related through marriage to Pablo de los Avocados, the president of the Amalgamated Illegal Aliens Union, Local Cinco de Mayo and Mr. O'Reilly replied, "No comment.")