Written by Madame Bitters

Friday, 21 November 2008

image for Mildly Attractive Woman is Ambivilant about Trashy, Comic-con Geek
He may not be perfect, but he's the only one who wants you.

Dearest Madame Bitters,

I'm a single woman well into my 30's and I'm more than ready to settle down. I'm dating a man who is sweet and considerate, but he is a loser in every other sense. He's a garbage man, he's 50lbs overweight and a horrible dresser. He goes to comic book and sci-fi conventions and he says, "Okie dokie," way, way too much. He's crazy about me and he wants to make a life with me. I hate to say it, but I know I'm too good for this person, and I know I desserve better. What do you think?

-Conflicted in MA


Your situation reminds me of a song that I can't remember the name of. Luckily for you I do remember the chorus. Here it is:

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

There's also a line about the singer not caring if the girl's 'eyes don't match' in there someplace and it always makes me chuckle.

The lesson you should take away from this song is that the uglier and less desirable your mate is the better your chances are of them worshiping the ground you walk on. They'll be loyal to you like a toothless, crippled dog.

Another bonus of being with someone who's beneath you is this person likely has no self esteem. Ugly people always know they are ugly. Therefore, your guy knows that you're too good for him. He will bend over backwards to keep you happy and in his life. Use this fact to your advantge and feel to walk all over him like cheap, threadbare shag carpeting.

From the tone of your letter you sound like the type of snotty bich who would enjoy breaking a decent man's spirt for the purpose of playing to your own vanity. So go nuts.

-Madame Bitters

PS: You said you were "well into" your 30's, so I'm going to assume your nearly 40. At your age you need to grab onto the first willing guy and drag him down the aisle if necessary. On the bright side, sometimes wives accidentally throw their wedding & engagement rings in the garbage bin. If you choose to stay with this guy you may get a nice ring out of it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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