Written by ComixFarm Dude

Sunday, 12 October 2008

Dear Mr. Rudeness:

My boyfriend of several weeks just broke up with me. He says that it's because I am too fat, but I know that cannot possibly be true; I am the thinnest girl in my class. I think that it is because of his fear of committment that he broke up with me.

Normally girls hate it when guys say, "It's not you, it's me." However in this case, that's exactly what he should have said because that's the truth... it is him not me. And it really offends me that he's saying that it's me and not him. It offends me that he is willing to say something to make me feel self-conscious about my appearance rather than telling the truth about his own issues.

I want to confront him, but I'm afraid that he may start rumors about me by telling people that we know that I'm fatter than I look. What should I do?


Dear Heartbroken:

Let me start out by saying that I became an advice columnist because I am smart and I know all about people and how they are. With that in mind I will point out that when someone asks someone else for advice it is generally either because the person that they're asking has more experience in a given situation, or they're just smarter. In your case, I'm just smarter.

I don't have experience here. Unlike you I'm not a fat girl, and I've never had to break up with a fat girl. I do sympathyze with your ex-boyfriend but I don't know firsthand what this is like. But being superior in intelligence as I am, I can give you some good advice:

First of all, don't worry about the rumors. I guarantee you that people are already talking behind your back anyway so that doesn't even matter. Secondly, you could confront him if you think it will make you feel better. But it shouldn't make you feel any better because it won't mean a thing to him anyway.

I would recommend beating him up - if you're able. It sounds like you're probably a lot heavier than he is, so just throw yourself on top of him... that should do the trick. Just be careful not to kill him. I don't want to get in trouble for being the one that gave the fat girl the advice that led to someone's death.

Dear Mr. Rudeness:

Last week our school had a talent contest that I didn't win, even though I should have. The winner was a guy who everyone thinks is so cool just because he plays guitar and sings. So what? I juggle... and I'm very good at it!

Some of the judges were girls who like this jerk just because he plays guitar and sings. I think that there is a conflict of interests when the judges are girls who are in love with one of the contestants, don't you? So I went to the principal and told her my grievance and, do you know what? I think she's in love with that idiot too!

The prize money was a hundred dollars which he now has and I don't. Not to mention the girls that he has that I don't. The girls and the money are rightfully mine! Do you think I have grounds for a lawsuit?


Dear Juggler:

It sounds like you got a raw deal, no doubt about it. Unfortunately, however, it is not the singing guitar player's fault that you got the short end of the stick on talent and intelligence and (and this is just an educated guess) probably looks too.

If you want to embarrass yourself in court, that's your business. If you do, let me know when and where the trial is being held... I'd like to come and watch. I could always use a good laugh.

Dear Mr. Rudeness:

Are these letters real, or are they made up by that ComixFarm guy with two heads?


Dear Curious:

It all depends on if we get enough letters in from real people or not. If we don't, we have to make some up. Your letter, for example, is made up and not from a real person. Sorry if that offends you.

Oh, by the way... I'm an advice columnist so the questions that you ask should be asking for advice, not information about how things are done here on the farm. I'd appreciate it if we could keep these kinds of letters to an absolute minimum. Like, none.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Agony Aunts

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