My Dearest Madame Bitters,
I've got a real dillema that I hope you can help me with:
I'm one of three department heads in a large office. I work closely with another department head, "Sue". She wants to be a lot more than co-workers, if you know what I mean. In addition to the possibility of being fired, I'm not attracted to this woman at all. Any advice?
-Pursued in TX
Yes, Madame Bitters know exactly what you mean, you gorgeous hunk of man flesh and you'd better believe she's got some advice for you. But first, here's a question for you, stud: What's the problem?
Everyone knows that the workplace is a steamy hotbead of sexual intrigue and innuendo. It's the perfect place to find a ready and more than willing partner. If people in the office aren't actually getting it on, you can bet your adorable ass that they're thinking about it.
You're receptionist is thinking about it as she forwards that little encouraging & cutesy email with the kitten hanging on the clothesline to her sister in Yonkers.
The guy in the cubicle next to yours who smells like soup is thinking about it as he Xeroxes personal documents.
And you know how your boss always goes into his office around lunchtime, shuts the door, and sometimes doesn't come out for hours? Well, I'm not sure what he's doing in there, but you get my point. While they think and fantasize about it, you actually get to have some! Sex, I mean
The two of you likely spend at least 40 hours a week together working (hard, presumably). Isn't that all the more reason to play together?
So take Madame Bitters advice: Drop a little note to "Sue" instucting her to meet you at your cubicle after-hours. When she does, you bend her over that Xerox machine, hike up her sensible navy skirt, rip those control top pantyhose off her and plow that dimpled ass! I know you said you weren't attracted to her, but that's the beauty of this particular position- you don't have to look at her face.
And don't worry about getting fired. If your boss ever brings it up just tell him that you know exactly what he does in there with the door shut. Even if you don't have any idea what he's doing in there, arch an eyebrow & give him a disapproving look. He'll drop the subject.
Have fun, Catnip!