Written by Madame Bitters

Thursday, 20 November 2008

image for Thinking About Killing Yourself for the Holidays? Call the Suicide Helpline!
Little known fact: The original name before Jack Daniels was Courage Juice

To: All of My Loyal Readers/Minions

Ah, the Holidays.

It's the time of year when people gather with their families and gorge themselves on the flesh of animals and other fatty foods. It's the time of year when parents are hounded by their kids into buying them insanely expensive toys that will ultimately be forgotten 20 minutes after said gift is opened.

It's also the time of year that the most suicides occur.

I'm not writing this column in the interest of suicide prevention, because I'm sure the suicidal party has his/her reasons. And who am I to undermine such an important decision?

I'm writing this column in the interests of those who are thinking about suicide but are currently sitting on the fence about actually going through with it.

If this describes you or someone you know and are annoyed by, take heed: there are professionals who deal with this sort of thing daily. These are the people of the Suicide Helpline.

The professionals at the Suicide Helpline are manning the phones 24/7 (they've double their staff of operartors on Chritstmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day for the forlorn's convience).

Whether the call concerns correct dosage of pills to alchohol or how to unjam your gun, The Suicide Helpline will be there to offer their support/encouragement that only their vast experience can provide. The operators are also highly skilled at warming up those who get "cold feet" right before they go over the edge.

And remember, whether you are perfectly happy and well-adjusted or depressed and unhinged, Madame Bitters urges you to have a happy/productive holiday. :)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more