The Last Presidential Debate of 2008

Funny story written by isabar

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008. Day before the 56th consecutive quadrennial United States presidential election. John McCain and Barack Obama are neck-to-neck in the polls. They'd agreed to have one last debate, make their case before the American people go out to vote.

Looking amiable, the two men shake hands, but their backs are erect, arms rigid, robot like.

Tom Brokaw clears his throat and the men quickly shuffle to their places behind clear Lucite podiums.

Brokaw fires the first question. "Senator Obama. You've admitted you were once a community organizer in the south side of Chicago..."

A collective tsk from the audience interrupts Brokaw.

Obama lowers his head. "Yes, Tom. I've apologized to the middle class living in red states for my indiscretion. And I'll go even further. I'll take this opportunity to tell all the poor and disadvantaged folks out there, in places like Chicago, New York and LA. Your free ride is over, people! You must pull yourselves up by your bootstraps as my new hero, Justice Thomas, did. And I will make June 23, Justice Clarence Thomas' birthday, a federal holiday, to remind poor folk that the welfare era is gone, you hear me? G-O-N-E." As he spells out the word, Obama menacingly bares his long teeth for the camera.

The auditorium rises up in cheer. The applause lasts two minutes.

"And you, Senator McCain," says Brokaw, "is it true that you have a new plan to cut our economic deficit and solve our illegal immigrant problem at the same time?"

"Yes Tom. Amazingly simple, really," McCain says calmly. "Under my administration, I will nationalize American technology and culture, making them national treasures, and I'll shut down our borders and the Internet. The world will no longer have access to our most valuable treasures, like entertainment, fashion trends and music, unless they pay dearly. If you elect me President, I'll implement a system to charge an entrance fee, like they do at nightclubs, to visit our country. Without our valuable secrets, the entire globe will come to a standstill. They won't know what to do without our American culture and technology. Their withdrawal symptoms will be felt immediately. Millions will line up at the border, begging to take a peak, willing to pay even more millions just to get a glimpse of what we're up to."

McCain's voice is drowned out by cheer and applause. After ten minutes, he yells out, "and that's the way to get back our leadership and prestige in the world, my friends. With this one simple measure we'll balance our budget, pay our national debt and keep out the riff ruff. Now, in all fairness, my friends. Let me tell you. I got the idea from the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara. I take this opportunity to give them credit and announce that if I'm elected, the twins will become my closest strategy advisers. Eat your heart out Paris Hilton, you snarky little b--ch!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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