Top Ten Reasons Obama Won't Be President

Funny story written by isabar

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

1. He's black. I wouldn't be writing this if he were white.

2. He doesn't have an underage pregnant daughter. Obama's narrative would improve if his underage pregnant daughter hoped to marry the white kid whose bio reads: "I'm a f**kin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some sh*t and just f**kin' chillin' I guess. Ya f*ck with me I'll kick ass. I don't want kids."

3. He's too smart. Rather than graduating at the top of his class from Columbia University and Harvard Law School, teaching constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School and practicing civil rights law, Obama should've floundered through four different colleges in six years, all along wondering what to do with his life.

4. He's too compassionate. Giving up a lucrative law career to become a community organizer, like our fore fathers, the suffragists, or those idiots that ended child labor makes him look like a freaking socialist.

5. He's too driven. Instead of going to Washington, Obama should've listened to his aunt and run for city council in some small, remote part of the world like Alaska, Hawaii or Guam.

6. He's not a NRA member. Instead of advocating for safer streets in the USA and help create legislation to control and dismantle conventional weapons in the old USSR, he should've joined the NRA and push for Americans to carry concealed weapons, all while advocating for every American household to own the latest submachine guns and stinger aircraft missiles to fight the Russians.

7. He's a watchdog. Instead of promoting greater public accountability in the use of federal funds, he should've pushed for more deregulation. And while at it, he should've allowed Wall Street and corporate America to run free of any government interference.

8. He's on the wrong side of issues. Rather than worrying about lobbying abuses, electoral fraud, climate change, nuclear terrorism and ending the war in Iraq, he should surround himself with lobbyists, deny that climate change exists, and guesstimate that we would be in Iraq for one hundred years. Oh, and instead of advocating for energy independence and promoting universal health care, he should've joined the "drill baby drill" battle cry and let uninsured Americans fend for themselves.

9. He can't channel God. He doesn't stand in front of his church's congregation and, mixing politics and God in the same sentence, cry out that God wants the Iraq war to continue and God wants us to drill for oil.

10. He wants change. If Obama thinks America's so great, why does he want to change it?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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