Written by Helena Handbasket

Tuesday, 17 June 2008


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image for In The SpoofLight: Dr. Raymond Lewis McKinney
Ray McKinney brings to his candidacy the patient, calm demeanour he developed over 23 years of managing nuclear crises.

31 Nov 07, EFFINGHAM, GA, USNA-- For many years, Dr. Raymond Lewis McKinney was an apathetic voter busy struggling to make a living in the cutthroat field of nuclear physics, until he discovered a presidential candidate that inspired his passion, commitment and servile devotion: namely, himself. "Ray" had dreamt the impossible dream, and windmill owners have feared him ever since.

Dr. McKinney, self-degreed, is a uniquely unique candidate. At a straw poll in Texas, he received more votes than fifth-tier candidates Sam Brownback, John McCain, and Tom Tancredo combined: his exuberant press release stated, "That took some 'nads don't you think?" With an 83% approval rating, McKinney has long ranked #1 among all official presidential candidates at U4Prez.com, a dating website; he leads notable candidates Charles Adams, Albert Howard, Rudy Rompson, and, surprisingly, Dr. Ron Paul (who apparently has never asked anyone for a date).

McKinney accuses all other candidates of adopting a lockstep platform of gravitas and sobriety. He prides himself on being the only anti-serious candidate: "A more serious campaign? Well, we see where that got the GOP in '06." Also, no other candidate uses campaign funds as effectively as the miserly McKinney, known for using Holiday Inn on campaign trips: he intends to follow George Washington's example of refusing to spend a single disme on his campaign and subsequently winning the electoral vote unanimously. McKinney has the first half of Washington's strategy down pat. And no other candidate but McKinney has the one skill most necessary to the presidency: 23 years' experience pushing buttons on nuclear devices.

McKinney, native to Effingham, has long seen things his own Effing way. His Effing character and Effing work ethic won him his first election, "most likely to become a nuclear scientist" at the Effing High School. Later, under the name "Ray Lewis", he was elected Most Valuable Player of Super Bowl 2000, while playing for the Effing-Baltimore Ravens. McKinney has never lost an Effing election, unlike frontrunners such as Dr. Ron Paul, who has lost five elections. McKinney reportedly turned down an offer to serve as Rudy Rompson's vice president, confident that he can win public office on his own merits, whether it be the presidency or the next-best option of twelfth Georgia Congressional district.

McKinney now resides in Savannah with his wife-- although that was close, because when he announced his candidacy she nearly committed him to the Effing Asylum. He also made national news when he strapped himself to a lawn chair tied to 45 weather balloons emblazoned "RAY 08" and took off into space. After several hours over the Savannah River at a comfortable cruising altitude of 16,000 feet, he returned to earth safely by employing his own version of "gun control" ("hit your target well").

Ray's political stances (or "muscle poses"):

  • Energy Policy: Nukes all the way, baby. Ray will not only end nuclear hysteria and restore America's nuclear power superiority, he will also use that power quixotically to nuke every windmill and every fossil-fuel power source available. Safety? More people have died choking on a steak than have died in nuclear power plants. Liability? More money is awarded for spilling coffee on vaginas than in nuclear liability suits. Which leads to:
  • Tort Reform: If your suit is deemed "stupid beyond belief" then you should pay the opposing party's fees and see the case thrown out. If you're going to be dumb you should learn to be tough. A couple hundred grand for a coffee burn?
  • Environment: Ray will shore up the tree-hugger vote, reducing greenhouse gases by 81% by restoring nuclear power.
  • Jobs: Ray will create thousands of new manufacturing jobs and revive the American work ethic by restoring nuclear power.
  • Transportation: Ray will reduce pollution by causing 50% of new cars to run on hydrogen fuel, which will be cheaply produced by, um, excess restored nuclear power plants.
  • Education: Education fails not because the paint is the wrong colour, it's because the people running it stink at it. Once again we see what a government bureaucracy cannot do. In the private sector workforce, education is much more effective-- like the nuclear industry, for instance.
  • Minimum Wage: If you have no skills other than "Would you like fries with that?" what makes you think you should be earning enough to raise a family? Learn to be a welder and come work at a nuclear power plant.
  • Federal Budget: Right now foreign countries are selling us junk for US dollars and investing those dollars in US notes. We are selling out our country for cheap dog food and gadgets. Would someone explain why we are buying materials for cat and dog food from China? Our politicians are selling our birthright for a power trip. (That reminds us, Ray would like to change the national anthem to "Stairway to Heaven".)
  • Global Warming: Bigoted geocentric thinking has refused to address global warming's crucial companion problem, namely, why Mars is going through a warming trend. Ray will treat every affected planet with an equal amount of federal research funds: zero. And by the way, global warming is not caused by nukes, nohow noway.
  • National Security: Bias again. Why don't we have a problem at the Canadian border?
  • Stem Cell Research: Another bigoted research funding bias. What about federal funding on Viagra?
  • Flu Vaccine: Last year we were all going to die because there wasn't enough vaccine. This year 30 million doses will be thrown out. The solution is to revive American production and reduce product liability by rebuilding the labourers' skill set and work ethic-- which can be done most effectively with the jobs created by more nuclear power plants.
  • Abortion: Ray thinks abortion is wrong, and partial-birth abortion is an abomination, but most heinous and diabolical of all is abortion to prevent sagging breasts. (In fact, it usually hastens them.) In certain cases, Ray permits others to make the choice of whether or not to nuke a baby, but he refuses to get involved when the mother's and baby's choices conflict.
  • Healthcare: Universal healthcare is just another pie-in-the-sky plan to turn our country into a socialist Mecca. Does everyone have the right to liposuction and tummy tucks? Well, maybe Britney Spears.
  • Gun Control: Some opponents of guns have no problem with your having meth in your bedroom but they have a problem with a little AK-47. Ray affirms your right to carry a concealed handgun if you have been trained and psychologically tested. This idea came from the training and testing requirements of, you guessed it, nuclear power plants.
  • Justice Reform: The Federal Prosecutors are not doing a good job, Ray has every right to fire them: Clinton's husband fired ninety a day. The Circus Courts have a majority of their rulings overturned-- they aren't playing with a full deck and need to be replaced. Judges who reinterpret the law or promote selective enforcement-- can them. We even have a judge serving prison time and still collecting his judicial pay. Ray would investigate judges all over the country. He will need a few lawyers of his own as time goes on. Maybe we should have free legal care while we're at it, and free auto insurance care; let's make everything free and we will all do our jobs and everyone will have whatever they need. Oh yeah, that's been tried already in Plymouth Colony, and see how that worked out. Half the population died the first winter and the other half died the second winter.
  • Foreign Policy: Chuck Norris has agreed to serve as Defence Secretary in the McKinney Cabinet; to head the Immigration and Naturalisation Service, Ray is actively recruiting Charles Bronson. For enemies, there are nukes. For friends (which is a very short list), Ray is happy to supply foreign aid the American way. To developing nations Ray will donate tractors, tools, seed, fertilizer, and a few farmers to show you how to use them. No money. He will send medical troops, doctors, nurses, pharmaceuticals, university scholarships, but no money. For public works he will send equipment, cement, engineers, trainers. Did we mention, NO MONEY?
  • Military: We should have a system that protects America and allies from any missile attack in the world. If you're a foreign country and you don't like it then get on our neighbour list. If you're not on the neighbour list then tough, build your own missile defence.
  • The Useless Nations (UN): Ray proposes we treat the UN like the Olympics in that a different city gets to host the UN every four years. They can bid on it. The first host city might be Havana, Cuba, so that the whole world can experience the success of the Communist dream. As far as relations with Cuba, who cares? And we can use the old UN building for our short list of friends.
  • Mexico: Give us a break. Start acting like a real country. No more open border. This is not the Salvation Army of the world.
  • Iran, North Korea: Ray's considered policy is "Who cares?" In his extensive and unequalled experience, Ray also offers a deal to countries developing nuclear weapons: Why don't we just send every country their own nuke? Problem solved, everyone has a nuke. For a bigger bargain, for every nuke you send off we will return ten. We'll even supply each country with the coordinates of our targets and they can decide. If you don't want to play nice in the sandbox we are taking out the box.


President-Elect Hillary Diane Rotten Clinton
Sen. Johnny "Can't" Reid Edward
Dr. Raymond Lewis McKinney
Sen. Barack Hussein Osama-Obama, Jr.
Capt. Rep. Dr. Ronald Ernest Paul, Sr. (Ron Paul)
Sir Willard Rudolph Dalton Rompson, K.B.E.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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