AskFrFred44Giveness: Can I be forgiven for wanting women priests?

Written by Pointer

Thursday, 5 June 2008


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This is why Online Lezy wants women priests

Dear FF4F, First off I would like to say how much a claustrophobic like myself and no doubt countless others who could not stand it in the closet, er, I mean, the confessional box appreciate your online confessional. It has made my participation in the Sacrament so much more convenient.

Now to my question...I have read recently that the church has reemphasized its ban on women's ordination. I am familiar with the profound theological arguments against women priests. I know St Thomas Aquinas thought it was equivalent to spanking, No, baptizing the monkey.

I am familiar with the modern Church's de-emphasis of the blatantly sexist arguments against when they realized that only women were going to mass and giving in the collection plate( The ladies some how always end up involved with the dishes!?)The in persona Christi position though hard for some to assume has given much satisfaction to the non sexist opposition. Basically I believe it says that God is male and so his son is male so a priest who stands for God and his male son can't have a vagina because the pure spirit God doesn't have one and his carpenter son wouldn't have gotten any customers if he had one...Do I have it right?

Then there's the Japanese argument about rice and wheat and how the grains are equal but Jesus chose not to have sushi at the Last Supper but instead had pita bread with lamb hold the tsadiki. Therefore tsadiki cannot be used for the Eucharist or something like that. But denying women the only real leadership in a clergy dominated community has nothing to do with power or sexism, it's only about rice, right?

Anyway, I think that I need forgiveness since when I went last month to the wedding of an Episcopal friend officiated by a woman priest I completely lost it. Like most Roman Catholics I have only been exposed to (figuratively and literally) really old and quite shriveled up male priests. This Reverend Hot Babe ( real name) got my juices flowing like the living waters Jesus seduced the Samaritan woman with . Now every time I see a Middle Ages vestment, I want to go sexsually medieval on it.

Bless me Father, for this feels so good it must be sin... Yours in Christ Almighty she was hot,

Online Lezy

Dear Unnatural pervert and child of Christ,

You seem to have omitted one of the main reasons why God hates the idea of women...being priests, I mean. God made man first but he made him Jewish and everyone knows Jewish men love women.

When God became Roman Catholic (see the New Testament) he started to make new men who did not need women...not even their oppressive mothers who made them become priests! The two thousand year old fellowship of male priests who do not need women combined with Jesus' twelve penis equipped buddies seals the deal for me as tightly as dried jizz between the pages of a Playboy (cough!)...

Carmelite vocation pamphlet hidden beneath a teenager's mattress. If you insist on entertaining your Sapphic desires, become an Episcopalian or I'll email you the addresses of some of the kinkiest convents from here to Rome.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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