NCAA Report on Acceptability of Mid-American Conference Nicknames

Funny story written by Gene Mason

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

image for NCAA Report on Acceptability of Mid-American Conference Nicknames

Part 6 of a 12 part series

Akron Zips- Findings: insensitive foisting of suspiciously vague nickname on an unwitting kangaroo. Zippy's lack of a pouch is a left hook to the jaw of female kangaroos everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Ball State Cardinals- Findings: female cardinals are denied representation on the basis of being color-challenged. Judgement: offensive.

Bowling Green Falcons- Findings: shameless exploitation of animal stolen from endangered species list and forced into slavery in brutal human hunting practices. Judgement: offensive.

Buffalo Bulls- Findings: sexist slap in the face of cows everywhere. Stock market terminology glorifies capitalism. Judgement: offensive.

Central Michigan Chippewas- Findings: although the Chippewa aren't offended, it is our duty at the NCAA to be offended on their behalf. Judgement: offensive.

Eastern Michigan Eagles- Findings: crass flaunting of imperialist national symbol. Shameless exploitation of an endangered species. Insensitive flaunting of golf terminology is demeaning to people who are too poor to take up the sport. Judgement: offensive.

Kent State Golden Flashes- Findings: hybridization of golden eagle and lightning bolt is a mindless exploitation of an endangered species and a gesture of cruelty toward giraffes. Judgement: offensive.

Miami (Ohio) Redhawks- Findings: changing their name from Redskins would be commendable, but there is really no such thing as a redhawk, leaving this contrived (and therefore extinct) bird vulnerable to unfair perceptions of a mean, aggressive disposition. Judgement: offensive.

Northern Illinois Huskies- Findings: Insensitive referencing of dog breed enslaved by humans and forced to haul heavy loads across frozen wastelands. Also can be used to taunt the gravitationally challenged. Judgement: offensive.

Ohio Bobcats- Findings: blatantly sexist choice of undomesticated feline with embedded masculine name. Insensitive exploitation of an endangered species. Shameless endorsement of yet another 70's gas guzzler. Judgement: offensive.

Temple Owls- Findings: mindless exploitation of bird family that includes the rosetta stone of endangered species, the spotted owl. Wise reputation of owl is intimidating to the academically challenged. Forcing nocturnal mascot to stay up during the day to attend games is cruel. Judgement: offensive.

Toledo Rockets- Findings: crass glorification of delivery vehicles for weapons of war and wasteful space exploration. Thoughtless endorsement of dangerous fireworks that could injure children. Judgement: offensive.

Western Michigan Broncos- Findings: insensitive exploitation of horses who rightly take offense to being ridden. Judgement: offensive.

Tomorrow: NCAA Report on Acceptability of Mountain West Conference Nicknames

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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