NCAA Report on Acceptability of Big East Conference Nicknames

Funny story written by Gene Mason

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

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Part 4 of a 12 part series

Cincinnati Bearcats- Findings: cruel ploy to confuse an animal that is in fact neither a bear nor a cat. Crass flaunting of exotic animal as mascot shows blatant disregard for natural ecosystems. Judgement: offensive.

Connecticut Huskies- Findings: shameless exploitation of a dog breed pressed into slavery by humans and forced to haul heavy loads across vast expanses of snow and ice. Judgement: offensive.

Louisville Cardinals- Findings: school colors, logos, and mascot are an insensitive, sexist collusion against female cardinals. Judgement: offensive.

Pittsburgh Panthers- Findings: use of black panther helmet logo in recent years was collusion against tawny panthers. Current mascot is collusion against black panthers. Historically, collusion against pink panthers has been continuous. Judgement: offensive.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights- Findings: mindless, militaristic glorification of barbaric medieval warriors. Judgement: offensive.

South Florida Bulls- Findings: crass flaunting of capitalist stock market terminology. A slap in the face of cows everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Syracuse Orangemen- Findings: a sexist slap in the face of Orangewomen everywhere. Racist discrimination against green, blue, and purple men. Judgement: offensive.

West Virginia Mountaineers- Findings: crass flaunting of mountain splendor is a callous affront to altitude sickness sufferers everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Tomorrow: NCAA Report on Acceptability of Conference USA Nicknames

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