NCAA Report on Acceptability of Conference USA Nicknames

Funny story written by Gene Mason

Thursday, 22 May 2008

image for NCAA Report on Acceptability of Conference USA Nicknames
A.S.S.H.O.L.E. Protesters Gather Outside NCAA Headquarters

Part 5 of a 12 part series

Alabama-Birmingham Blazers- Findings:
insensitive taunt preys upon the weakness of pyromaniacs and could cause them to start more fires. Judgement: offensive.

Central Florida Golden Knights- Findings: Crass glorification of mindless Middle Age violence in which women were not allowed to participate. Judgement: offensive.

East Carolina Pirates- Findings: crass glorification of violent, abusive men with serious anger management issues. Judgement: offensive.

Houston Cougars- Findings: shameless exploitation of an endangered species. Crass flaunting of vintage American luxury sport gas-guzzling pollution machine. Judgement: offensive.

Marshall Thundering Herd- Findings: mindlessly pejorative taunt aimed at frightened horses and cattle. Judgement: offensive.

Memphis Tigers- Findings: sexist slap in the face of tigresses everywhere. Unauthorized use of golfing great's name is a callous affront to minorities attempting to excel at individual sports. Judgement: offensive.

Rice Owls- Findings: insensitive exploitation of a family of birds which includes the endangered species of all endangered species, the spotted owl. In addition, the owl's wise reputation is intimidating to the academically challenged. Judgement: offensive.

Southern Methodist Mustangs- Findings: brutal reminder of the Conquistadors who first brought horses to the Americas, then let some of them escape. Judgement: offensive.

Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles- Findings: shameless exploitation of an endangered species. Snubbing the bald eagle in favor of the golden eagle is a callous affront to the follicularly-challenged. Judgement: offensive.

Texas-El Paso Miners- Findings: shameless tribute to the art of destroying the environment with heavy metal pollutants and strip mining. Judgement: offensive.

Tulane Green Wave- Findings: insensitive flaunting of big wave is a slap in the face of tsunami victims. Cruelly ironic in light of home city's recent experiences with water. Judgement: offensive.

Tulsa Golden Hurricane- Findings: a callous affront to hurricane victims everywhere, as well as a ploy to confuse the meteorologically and geographically challenged who don't know there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma. Implicitly sexist because a single hurricane cannot accommodate both male and female names. Judgement: offensive.

Tomorrow: NCAA Report on Acceptability of Mid-American Conference Nicknames

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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