NCAA Report on Acceptability of Big 12 Conference Nicknames

Funny story written by Gene Mason

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

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Part 3 of a 12 part series

Baylor Bears- Findings: flaunting of capitalist stock market terminology. Symbol of fallen Soviet Union is also a taunt aimed at communist sympathizers. Judgement: offensive.

Colorado Buffaloes- Findings: crass exploitation of a formerly endangered and now vulnerable and therefore in danger of becoming threatened and therefore in danger of becoming endangered and therefore in danger of becoming extinct species, as well as unauthorized co-opting of a sacred symbol of Native American life. Judgement: offensive.

Iowa State Cyclones- Findings: a callous affront to tornado victims everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Kansas Jayhawks- Findings: shameless exploitation of a fictitious (and therefore extinct) species of bird. Judgement: offensive.

Kansas State Wildcats- Findings: knee-jerk judgement of their behavior is a slap in the face of felines large and small, wild and domesticated. Judgement: offensive.

Missouri Tigers- Findings: sexist slap in the face of tigresses everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Nebraska Cornhuskers- Findings: vast amounts of our valuable time were wasted in trying to think of something offensive about "Cornhuskers." The role of corn in producing environment-friendly biofuels is an obvious smokescreen put up by the university to hamper our investigative efforts. We could have used this time to devise a plan to guarantee 100% graduation rates for student-athletes. Or we could have figured out how to prevent any student-athlete from ever taking one cent from a booster again. We at the NCAA are personally offended by this university's waste of our time and resources. Judgement: offensive.

Oklahoma Sooners- Findings: crass flaunting of the Oklahoma Land Rush is a slap in the face of Native Americans everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Oklahoma State Cowboys- Findings: mindless glorification of white vagabonds who raped the land and stole it from the Native Americans, then drove massive hordes of greenhouse gas-producing red meat across it. Judgement: offensive.

Texas Longhorns- Findings: sexist collusion against cows everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Texas A&M Aggies- Findings: vast right-wing conspiracy to conceal the real mission of the university (churning out legions of reserve officers for the imperialist U.S. Armed Forces) behind a crass endorsement of marbles, a game that teaches children greed and envy, all the while discriminating against alleys, steelies, clearies, mibs, and immies. Judgement: offensive.

Texas Tech Red Raiders- Findings: difficult to pin this one down as a reference to bellicose Native Americans. Still smacks of violence, however, and as such is just not acceptable. Judgement: offensive.

Tomorrow: NCAA Report on Acceptability of Big East Conference Nicknames

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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