January
- George Bush admits Iraq invasion was a pretty dumb idea.
- Joey Barton retires from soccer and becomes a UN Peace Advisor.
- The Duchess of Pork Sarah Ferguson buys Bed & Breakfast Business in Hull.
- Government announce that they have the names of every Illegal Immigrant on disc.
- Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
February
- Met Police Chief Sir Ian Blair admits to several personal monumental cock-ups and resigns.
- Sinn Fein name Omagh bombers.
- Tony Blair buys the Isle of Skye.
- Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty to make Anti-Drugs TV Advert.
- Lembit Opik marries Cheeky Girl.
- Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.
March
- Missing NHS Records disc sold on EBay for 0.99 pence.
- Northern Rock announces huge profits.
- Heather Mills wins Popularity Contest.
- Government announce that all Speed Cameras are to be removed.
- All Servicemen to be given 50% pay rise.
- Fabio Capelli resigns as England Football Manager.
April
- Hillary Clinton caught in lewd act with Showbiz Promoter Ivor Biggun.
- David Cameron makes no comment after being arrested on Hampstead Heath.
- The Football Association announce that the extra special one Jose Mourinho is to become the next England Football Manager.
- Gordon Brown announces Election Plans.
- Lembit Opik divorces Cheeky Girl after realising he had married the wrong one.
- Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
- Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.
May
- Boris Johnson elected Mayor of London.
- Hillary Clinton forced to stand down as US Presidential candidate.
- Derby win the Football Premiership.
- The Pope wins Millions in Euro Lottery.
- Osama Bin Laden found staying in Sarah Ferguson's Hull Bed and Breakfast.
- Missing NHS Records disc found being used as a coaster in East End Pub.
June
- Al Gore set to replace Hillary Clinton.
- England beat New Zealand in Test Match.
- Tony Blair buys Castle in Tuscany.
- Jose Mourinho claims that England will win the next World Football Cup.
- David Beckham sacked by LA Galaxy.
- Buckingham Palace announces Noel Edmonds along with Ant and Dec are to be knighted in the Queens Birthday Honours List.
- Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.
July
- Gordon Brown caught in compromising situation with TV Reporter Norma Snockers.
- George Bush meets Osama Bin Laden at Geneva Peace Conference.
- Labour slip to third place as National Poll claims that they would only receive 12% of the vote.
- Colin Montgomery wins British Open Golf Championship.
- Government proposes huge rise for Pensioners.
- Tim Henman comes of retirement and wins Wimbledon.
- Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
August
- University chaos as every student in the UK passes A Levels.
- David Milliband says "that he will stand by Gordon Brown through thick and thin".
- Ivor Crapper a Plumber from Wakefield confesses to making illegal Tory Party Donations.
- Middlesborough nominated to be European Capital of Culture for 2009.
- Lembit Opik proposes to one of the Cheeky Girls only to be turned down.
- Gordon Brown brings back Alistair Campbell in an effort to save his job.
- Chelsea and Arsenal both play eleven Englishmen in opening game of the Football Season.
- Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.
September
- David Miliband again announces complete backing for Gordon Brown.
- Tony Blair buys Caribbean Island.
- England beat South Africa in Test Match.
- President Mugabe announces completely free and fair Elections.
- Unleaded petrol reduced to 50 pence per litre as the Government announce cut in fuel duty.
- All Nurses, Policemen and Firemen to be given 50% pay rise.
- David Beckham signs for Macclesfield Town members of Division Two of the Football League.
October
- David Milliband Announces that he will run for Prime Minister when Gordon Brown stands down.
- Rumours from Buckingham Palace state that the Queen thinks that Prince Charles and Prince William should stand aside and allow the peoples favourite Prince Harry to be the next King.
- All Allied troops to be pulled out of the Middle East.
- Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
- Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.
November
- Al Gore sweeps to victory in the US presidential Election.
- Halifax Building Society bailed out by the Government.
- Lembit Opik marries Geri Halliwell.
- All Charities scrapped as Government announce that it will finance every one.
- Tony Blair set to become a Tax Exile in Dubai.
- MP's to take 50% pay cut.
- David Beckham wins I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in the Aussie Jungle.
- Jose Mourinho resigns as England Football Manager.
December
- Everlasting Peace declared throughout the Middle East.
- George Bush wins Nobel Peace Prize.
- Harrods boss Mohamed Al-Fayed to receive Knighthood.
- Government announce that no Sportsmen or Entertainers to be nominated for the New Years Honours list.
Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking. - Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.
