WHERE WILL THE WORLD'S ARTS REVOLUTION START? WHO WILL LEAD IT?
Birmingham, England, is often quoted as the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution. The Midland city, where all sorts of average type people came together to produce the huge steps in humanity's industrial progress, is now set to lead the World's Arts Revolution.
The World's Arts Revolution and the radical changes it will usher in are very much the vision of Birmingham's Arts Czar, the enigmatic Theodore Parker Bowles, made real.
THEODORE PARKER BOWLES
Parker Bowles' Birmingham based World Arts Revolution has been plotted in the city and funded by Europe, The Arts Council and Newer Labour since 1999.
The foundations of this soon to be ignited revolution were evolved over the first five years of Parker Bowles' original seven years tenure as the city's premiere Arts executive - a tenure which has now been extended until 2012.
Parker Bowles' hand picked, revolutionary team, Birmingham Arts Learning Leagues, dubbed BALLS, were responsible for two astounding and cutting edge strategies, both conceptualised and designed by Theodore Parker Bowles during his council funded extended sabbatical in Goa, India.
The first of the strategies, according to The Birmingham Times, immediately showed the "iron nature of the balls Birmingham BALLs have forged", when BALLS arranged for some Birmingham households of the non-ABC demographic profile variety, to be targeted with news of the city's new nouveau Arts spectaculars in 2000.
120,000 such households were contacted over a six month period. Of these, 120 (0.0001%) were targeted with leaflets delivered and promoted by Theodore Parker Bowles in person.
FAVOURING the ARTS RETARDED TARGETS
To deliver the leaflets, Parker Bowles was attired in his specially commissioned pink latex, one-piece, sleeveless jump suit, accessorised with a more rigid latex codpiece and external shimmering nipple tassels in a juxtaposing, vivid blue.
This was the first part of the costly scheme named Favouring the Arts Retarded Targets which unashamedly promoted the Arts among the hoi polloi, plebeian people of Birmingham (the PPB).
PARKER BOWLES' ARTS PORTAL
"The Arts are a portal in which anyone can insert their finger - finger my Arts portal" demanded, pleaded, anguished Theodore on the doorsteps of many a non ABC household. But this was just part one.
The data accumulated via F. A. R. T. assisted BALLs in the creation of a 250 database of suitable PPB households. The BALLs database was then utilised in the second phase - the Scientific Monitoring of Egalitarian Gain.
THE SCIENTIFIC MONITORING OF EGALITARIAN GAIN
S. M. E. G. was wrongly pilloried by regional press when it was revealed that the nine executives engaged in daily plebeian monitoring (DPM) were based in London and funded by Birmingham council tax payers.
However, when Theodore went live on Midlands Today and Radio 5 to explain that "efficient DPM depended upon the monitor being able to maintain an authoritarian tone and such a tone cannot be achieved with any Midlands (or for that matter Northern) accent", his reasoning won the day and the team of London based executives was increased to 14 and all received a 12% increase in salary.
THE REVOLUTION IS LAUNCHED!
On 5th October 2007 Theodore Parker Bowles revealed more information about the confidential manoeuvrings of himself and his personal assistant Ricardo Head. The occasion was the breakfast meeting of the eminent Birmingham Rotary Club held at Birmingham's prestigious yet thoroughly plebeian Symphony Hall.
These revelations were highly sensitive and not meant for general public consumption and will only confuse the PPB. Unfortunately, the text of Theodore's speech to the Rotarians, entitled Art is for One; Art is for All, was stolen and has since been published on the World Wide Web.
WHEN WILL IT START?
The speech concluded that very soon it would be "Birmingham's SMEG that oils the touchpaper and Birmingham's FART that would ignite the flame of the World's Arts Revolution!"