Direct from this mornings French Open press conference.
ROGER FEDERER: So guys, How fantastic am I???
THE SPOOF: Fernando, how fantastic a guy is Roger?
FERNANDO GONZALEZ: He's not fantastic at all. He's a bit of a bitch, actually. I remember his comment about being surprised that someone with greater ability than I hadn't made it to the Oz Open final.
GISELA DULKO: Never mind, Fernando. 99 out of 100 women would rather console you in a broom closet than celebrate in the penthouse with Roger. That's all I'll say.
THE SPOOF: Thank you, Gisela. Lleyton, is Roger...
GISELA DULKO: With that "I've just sucked a bad pickle" grimace, Roger's as sexy as a second hand beige volvo with Kansas number plates and a bumper sticker that reads "honk if you like boiled turnips" that's heading out on an overcast Sunday afternoon drive to Ikea, but gets lost. That's all I'll say.
ROGER FEDERER: Honk! Honk! Everyone loves boiled 'neeps.
THE SPOOF: OK, Gisela..Roger..Thank you. Lleyton, is...
GISELA DULKO: I have to beat the women away from Fernando with a stick! That bite to his hand was not from a dog. That's all I'll say.
THE SPOOF: There was no dog?
GISELA DULKO: There was no dog.
ROGER FEDERER: There was a dog!
THE SPOOF: OK! Lleyton, is Roger the greatest tennis player of all time?
LLEYTON HEWITT: Come on!!! He's bloody Swiss! From the great athletic traditions of fence sitting, cheese whittling and tick tock twiddling?? Not to mention yodeling and cow fondling!! Come on!
THE SPOOF: Andy?
ANDY RODDICK: He's not the greatest player who ever walked the Earth, though he thinks so. Believe me, the only person Roger Federer fantasises about being in a broom closet with is Roger Federer!
ROGER FEDERER: Well, naturally! What's your point? Oh, that's right - you can't win one off me! Ha! Ha! I kill myself! I'm so fantastic!
ANDY RODDICK: He believes he deserves to be holding up the French Open winners trophy. I believe the only thing Roger should be holding up are liquor stores so he can afford his entry fee to the Reykjavik Winter Walrus Toppling Championship!!
THE SPOOF: Guillermo, you seem to be making a habit of beating Roger. What's your secret?
GUILLERMO CANAS: It's easy.
ROGER FEDERER: Oh, sure it is. He's dreaming.
GUILLERMO CANAS: Yes! I visualise him tottering around the other side of the net in a pair of red patent leather stilletos and a too-short ruffled polka dot frock, looking like a failed extra on "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert III". Roger craves admiration, so I deliberately withhold it.
THE SPOOF: That's one way to win a match, I guess.
GUILLERMO CANAS: Actually, I visualise all my opponents like that. Except for Marat - that would be too disturbing!
ROGER FEDERER: Hey, Argentina, I let you win, OK! I was feeling magnanamous...and the after effects of a bad pickle sandwich.
THE SPOOF: Apparently, Roger, you'd like the Oz Open changed from January to March because it interferes with your vacation plans and is too hot?
ROGER FEDERER: Hey, my cows need hand feeding over the Swiss winter.
THE SPOOF: What do you think, Lleyton?
LLEYTON HEWITT: Perhaps he'd like Roland Garros grassed over, also? Wimbledon moved to a drier part of the year? The US Open to Basel, Switzerland, so he can nip home between sets for a gallon of cows blood or two??? Come on!
ROGER FEDERER: Come on, yourself, mama's boy. It's not an illegal substance.
THE SPOOF: Rafael, you've obviously put that embarassing incident of the travelling underpants behind you, can you stop him at this final bastion?
RAFAEL NADAL: The only Grand Slam trophy he hasn't gotten his clammy hands on? He must be stopped! Spanish honour is at stake. Mallorcan honour is at stake!
ROGER FEDERER: Ha! Fat chance, gatito. Hmmm...I might buy Mallorca for my cows to winter on.
THE SPOOF: What preparations have you made, Rafael?
RAFAEL NADAL: I've invested in a pair of Pat Rafters' comfy undies and Oscar Pereiro gave me a tube of his chafing cream, so now I am ready to GO TO WAR!!
THE SPOOF: War?
ROGER FEDERER: War?
RAFAEL NADAL: Si! You will see Rogers' hairy little monkey legs scampering from one side of the court to the other! You will see balls whizzing so close to his face that they decapitate the pimples on his chin! You will see that pickle licking upstart bruised and broken and blubbering tears of blood on centre court! You will see Roger Federer EAT CLAY!!!
ROGER FEDERER: Well! That's the last time I sign a shirt for you, Nuke LaLoosh!
THE SPOOF: Thank you, everyone, for your unexpected candour.
ROGER FEDERER: My legs are not hairy!
THE SPOOF: Roger, can you get that cow out of here please?
ROGER FEDERER: Gisela - you have to leave now. Ha! Ha! Oh, I kill myself! I'm so fantastic!...Ow!..Ouch!!!So, finally I learn why they call you El Mano de Piedra, Fernando! Ouch! Hey, don't squash my pickle sandwich.