Who killed Bob Woolmer?

Funny story written by UT78

Monday, 26 March 2007

On 18 March 2007, Bob Woolmer was found unconscious in his hotel room in Kingston, Jamaica. He was confirmed dead at the nearby University Hospital. The Jamaican police announced on 21 March 2007 that the death was being treated as "suspicious". Now the big question, who killed Bob Woolmer?

Time to put on my Sherlock Holmes hat, have a puff of my pipe and begin investigation. Was it a disgruntled player who bore a mean grudge against his coach? Or was Bob Woolmer just a victim of a burglary gone wrong? Or was he poisoned by a match-fixing mafia that was going to be exposed in the book that Bob Woolmer was reportedly in the process of writing. The simple answers are no, no and a resounding no.

He was killed by the CIA! Yes, the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America. I hear you laugh, but please do read on. Why would the CIA commit such a heinous crime against someone like Bob Woolmer - a harmless, respected and likeable coach of a national cricket team?

Let me explain. The aftershocks of Pakistan's shameful demise in the Cricket World Cup would be felt at the very heart of the Musharraf government. Where in the world is the performance of 11 men on a cricket field so intrinsically linked to the very stability of the government that rules over these men? Why, in Pakistan, of course! And, perhaps India. All one needs to do is look at the mass rioting on the streets after such defeats. The mood of the nation is changed. Scapegoats are needed. The authority of the government is certainly weaker than it was only 24 hours ago. Anarchy rules. And in the environment of high emotions, fundamentalists win.

Now, how does this affect the CIA? Well, the answer is simple, my friend. A destabilised government in Pakistan affects the delicate equilibrium that the Bush administration has managed to maintain. After all, Musharraf is crucial to this puzzle. If heaven forbid he is missing, the whole balance is destroyed and the fundamentalists win. That is the fear.

So, how does the CIA quell these catastrophic events? By extinguishing the flames, of course. You kill the coach and the public anger turns to public sadness. There is no longer a threat to the stability of the government. The crisis is averted...and the CIA saves Western civilization once again!!!

You know it, it all makes sense. The CIA killed Bob Woolmer.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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