Reacting to the drastic increase of male hate speech on the campus of Dartmouth College, the Faculty Senate passed a resolution unanimously demanding the administration immediately implement a policy of summary execution of any male accused of this crime.
Reading the resolution to the assembled Dartmouth community was Faculty Senate President and holder of the Melissa Etheridge Chair of Lesbian and Vaginal Studies, Dr. Olga Sanchez vonKleist-Smith: "Recognizing that freedom of speech is one of our greatest freedoms, that academic discourse is futile without freedom of speech, that some forms of speech should be more free than others, that hate speech is not to be tolerated but suppressed at every opportunity, and that hate speech by men is reaching epidemic proportions on the campus of Dartmouth College has resolved that a new draconian policy must be implemented by the Administration of Dartmouth College forthwith. These have been passed unanimously by the Dartmouth College Faculty Senate, on this day our Great Earth Mother--Gaia, March 16, 2007.""
The two resolutions made are:
1.) That all male members of the Dartmouth Community who are accused of hate speech be summarily executed; and,
2.) That the Dartmouth Campus Rent-A-Cops be granted the authority to carry out this policy.
Although the audience, composed almost exclusively of Dartmouth faculty members, was generally favorable to the resolution, Dr. vonKleist-Smith did have to field a few tough questions.
When asked of the morality of a policy that might lead to the execution of innocent people, Dr. vonKleist-Smith retorted: "No man is innocent of hate speech. My own research has proven that men are genetically predisposed to hate speech. Just because a man has not yet uttered hate speech, does not mean he hasn't thought about it, or felt it in his heart. It is more important to excise the cancer of hate speech now than to worry about a few seemingly innocent men who get executed. You can't make an omlette withot breaking eggs."
When asked by a male faculty member how the resolution could be unanimous since he had voted against it, she replied: "We just counted the aye votes and omitted the nay votes. We needed to show consensus. Only the votes of those whose political consciousness has been raised should be permitted to vote."
Dr. vonKleist-Smith closed the meeting by saying: "This is just the beginning. Our next move is to have Dartmouth College secede from New Hampshire and join Vermont; a state much wore appreciative of our position.
In a related matter, the Dartmouth College Registrar's Office closed early today due to the crush of male Dartmouth students clamoring for transcripts to support their transfer applications to other colleges. A spokesperson for Dartmouth College could not give a firm date on the reopening of the Registrar's Office.
