MLB Takes an Even Closer Look at Steroid Use

Funny story written by Creepy McSordid

Wednesday, 13 July 2005

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Last Tuesday it was discovered that New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi is actually former child actress, Kristy MacNichol. Through years of steroid use spurred by being typecast in Hollywood for her role as “Buddy” in the television drama ‘Family’ Kristy decided she wanted fame and fortune but wanted to stay in the entertainment industry.

“For me, baseball was the first thing that popped into my head. I loved playing softball as a kid in the Beverly Hills Little League and figured with my acting experience and the use of private stalls in the men’s locker room, I just might pull this off.” MacNichol went on to reveal “Since it was no secret I was a tomboy and Oscar-winner Tatum O’Neal was going to get all the roles I wanted, I was at a loss for what to do. Besides everyone kept calling me “Buddy” at each casting call and I figured, ‘what the ****?’ I do have to support myself.”

“I started losing myself first in Little League and then in women’s fast-pitch windmill baseball and really excelled.” MacNichol said the defining moment was when her teammate and pitcher Bonnie “Bull” Chmielewski turned Kristy on to steroids as a performance enhancing aid. Kristy said “there was no hesitation, I had to make a living and knew I would deal with any consequences should I ever be discovered.” I began trying out for different schools and just dropped 9 years off my age and decided on Long Beach State where I played third base my freshman year.” This news comes as a huge surprise to “Giambi’s” other 49ers teammates. “Wow, I always wondered why Jason had that thin waist and small hands,” remarked first baseman Dan Barbara. “Jason was always in the weight room and never interesting in chicks or getting it on with groupies,” said Steve Trachsel who would later pitch for the New York Mets.

Kristy said the high point of her life was when “Jason” was accepted to Team USA for the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona. Although Kristy did not return home with an Olympic medal, she realized she was able to fool people around the world, and for the first time became comfortable with herself and her chosen career “even though Cuba pretty much kicked our sorry asses in Spain”.

In 1994 Kristy worked a double shift for both Double-A Huntsville and Triple-A Tacoma just to see if she had the stamina she’d need in the major league. “I guess you could call hitting .318 in 52 games, four homers, and 20 doubles in just 176 at bats in Tacoma pretty solid ‘stamina’, eh?” Kristy asked while laughing to herself. “When I was pretty new to the Oakland A’s my buddy Mark McGwire took off for St. Louis and that’s when I got my chance to really shine and by 2000 I finished the season with a .333 average, 43 home runs and 137 RBIs.” Kristy insists that her real thrill came in 2002 when she packed her bags and decided to call New York and Yankee Stadium “home”.

Although 2004 was a horrible season for the Yankees, “I knew the end was near when Barry Bonds started shooting his mouth off about the whole steroid thing. I had been shooting up every day and had gained some impressive bulk and, more importantly, some incredible power. Not only was THAT going away … but guess what was going to come ‘out’?” Kristy takes a long breath and she describes how she always knew this double life was going to come to an end and that she does accept the inevitable. “Listen, Yankee fans may have been on to me in 2003 and in 2004 as far as being an overpaid, overblown player, but at least they referred to me as a ‘bum’ and not a ‘washed up chick actress’.”

Kristy’s true identity was uncovered last week when her brother Peter MacNichol couldn’t get tickets to the 2005 All Star game and thought Kristy was “holding out on him”. Peter called the ‘New York Post’ and offered detailed information about his sister and publicly asked for Joe Torre to pull “Jason” aside for a little chat. True to her character “Buddy” she played as a child, Kristy told the truth to the Yankee manager, discussed her feelings and participation with the team and also “promised to finish the 2005 season hitting no less than .300”.

Mr. Torre could not be reached for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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