Cruise apologizes for Today show behavior - blames Ritalin dose

Funny story written by Rob Norman

Saturday, 25 June 2005

image for Cruise apologizes for Today show behavior - blames Ritalin dose
Cruise on the edge after failing to take his “vitamins”

New York - Tom Cruise, who clashed with Today show host Matt Lauer on Friday when Lauer brought up Cruise's earlier criticism of Brook Shields for taking anti-depressants, issued an apology today for his belligerent behavior from Hollywood.

According to his publicist, Mr. Cruise failed to take his prescribed dose of Ritalin that morning and, as a result, was "a tiny bit on the edge."

"Tom is doing fine now," publicist/sister/fellow Scientologist, Lee Ann Devett explained to reporters. "Between his new bride's constant need for attention and being sprayed in the face with water last week at the London premiere of his new movie, it's more important than ever that he sticks to his strict regiment of exercise, vitamins, and Scientology. You see, Tom has a very fragile psyche," she continued. "When he goes off the vitamins, especially the Ritalin, he can be quite unpredictable."

Unpredictable indeed. Cruise went on the defensive during the Today show interview with Matt Lauer last week, accusing him of "knowing nothing about psychiatry." When Lauer pushed the issue, Cruise leaned toward him aggressively, stating "I've studied the history of psychiatry, Matt, and you haven't." He added, "I had to memorize the entire script of Rain Man once. Have you ever memorized a script about a savant, Matt? Well, have you Matt? "

Lauer's every attempt to refocus the star was met with further aggression. When Lauer asked about his new movie, War of The Worlds, Cruise responded, "You don't know anything about Martians, do you, Matt? I know about Martians. My first wife was a Martin. Have you ever been married to a Martian, Matt?"

"I was waiting for him to punch me," Lauer later said to an unnamed Today show insider. "The guy was out there, man. I mean, I've interviewed some nuts before, but holy crap."

This is the second incident of bizarre behavior involving Cruise and interviewers in recent weeks. While on the Oprah Winfrey show recently, Winfrey's personal security forces went on high alert as Cruise stood on her couch and raved wildly about himself.

"I came this close to taking the dude out," Rocky Lee Brown, Winfrey's chief security aide told reporters. "Nobody messes with Oprah on my watch… Nobody."

Ms. Winfrey herself had no comment regarding the incident.

Cruise's scheduled appearance on Dr. Phil next week has been cancelled.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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