Robert Pattinson To Star In New Guy Ritchie Movie

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Tuesday, 19 July 2011


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Twilight sex symbol Robert Pattinson - who stars as star-crossed boy vampire Edwin Culvert in the Twilight movies about a hapless boy vampire whose fangs haven't come through because he's still got his milk teeth - is set to star in English director Guy Ritchie's next big film, which will be a revamp of classic comedy Steptoe and Son.

Ritchie - currently working on the next Sherlock Holmes movie with Robin Williams and Vinnie Jones, and Madonna as Mrs Hudson - will begin shooting Steptoe as soon as he has completed filming of the next Sherlock Holmes movie with Tom Hanks and Robbie Williams, and Lady Gaga as Irene Adler.

Ritchie was reportedly keen to have Pattinson in the role of Harold Steptoe for two reasons, according to a business insider.

"Guy Ritchie wanted Robert Pattinson in the role of Harold Steptoe for two reasons" shouted the insider, from within the very thick walls of the film studios he was inside.

"And the reasons are twofold", he confirmed, at the top of his voice (there was a road drill operating in the street, which exacerbated the noise issues). "One, Robert Pattinson was so good at playing a hapless idiot in the Twilight comedies that he seemed a natural to play the rag and bone man unable to escape his life with his Dad Albert and their horse called 'The 'Orse'.

"Two, Guy Ritchie was impressed by Robert's work with the lumbering pachyderm in the recent film Water For Elephants, and he thought this would stand Robert in excellent stead for working with another lumbering beast, namely, 'The 'Orse' in the Steptoe movie. Robert's work with the elephant in Water For Elephants was very poor, but it was his empathetic performance alongside Reece Witherspoon that - according to Guy - really prepared Robert to work with old nag 'The 'Orse' in Steptoe.

"Three, Guy is sure that Robert will be even more wooden in Steptoe and Son than Sylvester Stallone, who will play Albert Steptoe, and than Madonna, who will play a pole dancer to whom Harold becomes engaged, believing that she is a singer. Thus Robert will make them look like proper actors.

"Those three things are the twofold reasons that Guy Ritchie wanted and still wants and in fact has now got Robert Pattinson in the role of Harold Steptoe", screamed the business insider, trying to make himself heard above the sounds of the buildings being demolished near the film studios he was inside on business.

This is Suzie Balderdashe for Tripe News International, bringing you all the hot tripe you will ever need.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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