Simon Cowell Says He Can Hardly Wait For 'X-Factor' To Premier Because He Has Missed Acting Like An Arrogant, Sarcastic SOB!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 17 July 2011

image for Simon Cowell Says He Can Hardly Wait For 'X-Factor' To Premier Because He Has Missed Acting Like An Arrogant, Sarcastic SOB!
Simon Cowell's fiancée Mezghan Hussainy who one day will become a very, very, very rich wife.

HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell says that most people do not know it but he is really two different people.

The first one is the dark T-shirt wearing pompously snobbish hateful Sultan of Sarcasm that he was when he was the judge on American Idol.

The second one is the dashing, white shirt, dark tie, dark suit-wearing gentleman he portrayed when he was a judge on England's X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent.

And come September, Cowell will again be sitting in the judges seat when his brand new singing show X-Factor has its premier.

Cowell, CEO of 19th Hole Productions, has stated to several entertainment publications and entertainment news programs that he can honestly say that he has missed being on television and acting like an arrogant, sarcastic SOB.

The 51-year-old native of Elstree, Hertfordshire, England, is on the fast track to quickly becoming one of the richest men in the United States and the United Kingdom.

In fact he is getting so rich that people are starting to refer to him as the "White Oprah Winfrey." Of course Cowell is a male, a bit taller than Oprah, quite a bit thinner, a whole lot lighter skinned, and he speaks with a British accent that at times makes him sound like a shorter, stockier version of the host of So You Think You Can Dance the lusciously long-legged Cat Deely.

Cowell who is also known as the Count of Criticism and the Royal Rude Dude says that his new show will kick American Idol's aged ass all the way from West Hollywood up to Oxnard, or a distance of about 50 miles.

Simple Simon as his ex-girlfriend and fellow X-Factor Judge Paula Abdul calls him said that he truly regrets having had to replace Derek Hough's ex-girlfriend Cheryl Cole as one of the judges.

But he was quick to add that Cole's Geordie accent was so difficult to understand that even he, a native of Britain, at times had a hard time figuring out what the little English dynamo was saying.

He confessed that he made a great choice in replacing Chezza, as she is known in England, Wales, Ireland, and the African country of Dutch West Wakaboonka with the amazingly sexy Nicole Scherzinger, the lead singer with the Pussycat Dolls.

Simon remarked that he is glad to have Nicole as a judge instead of Cheryl because she is a whole lot sexier than Cheryl.

Cowell also added matter-of-factly that the performers, the crew, the studio audience, and the viewers at home will all be able to understand every word that Scherzinger says.

He explained that if he'd had both Paula and Cheryl on the show it would have meant that he would have had two very short females sitting together which goes against established television height mandates which were established back in October of 1993.

The fourth X-Factor judge will be L.A. Reid, whom Simon admits no one has ever heard of. But he was quick to add that no one had ever heard of him (Cowell) before American Idol or of Piers Morgan before America's Got Talent, or of Barack Obama before the 2008 United States presidential race.

Cowell says that the best way to describe Reid who is an African-American would be to say that he is kind of like the collegiate version of American Idol's Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson.

Simon pointed out that Reid is a record executive producer who has worked with Mariah Carey, Justin Bieber, Rihanna, Kanye West, and Usher, but not with Celine Dion, Britney Spears, Ke$ha, Eminem, or Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz.

SIDENOTE: Simon Cowell wants to dispel the rumor that he is in someway or somehow responsible for Jennifer Lopez filing for divorce from her husband Marc Anthony. Cowell said that yes, he and J.Lo have exchanged some intimate text messages recently but they concerned his fiancée Mezhgan Hussainy, the ex-Afghani freedom fighter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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