Written by K.C. Bell

Saturday, 19 November 2005

image for Schwarzenegger To Star In Hamlet Or Not
"Hamlet doesn't smoke cigars?"

Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar compared his failed California special election, costing $44.7 million, to a movie that "goes in the toilet", taking full responsibility for the election and its failure. So much for $44.7 million. Since California is presently strapped for resources, due to high energy costs charged by Texas oil companies, Governor Schwarzeneggar has been told by the California Election Committee to honor his confessed responsibility and pay the $44.7 million tab. Adding, it would be a girlie boy thing to ignore his responsibilities; similar to skipping away from a hit and run accident.

To pay or not to pay? Unwilling to raid his personal bank account, buried somewhere deep in the Austrian Alps, the Governor decided to produce and star in a film to pay the cost of his $44.7 special election, casting himself in the lead role of Hamlet. Seizing the opportunity to attract a younger audience, having deep and frivolous pockets, he planned to cast Ophelia with either Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera.

Learning of this dramatic possibility, Madonna immediately called requesting to portray the beguiling role of the enchanting, 'Get thee to a nunnery' Ophelia, insisting she could bring truth and reality to the part, as she shared two of the character's traits: long hair and has been living in England for the last few years. "Ophelia is as Danish as a pastry." Whatever. When told she was a bit long of tooth for the part and could be cast to play Hamlet's mother, Gertrude, she replied, "Pfft."

Investors who were asked to bankroll the production were not as enthusiastic with Governor Schwarzenneggar's selection, suggesting he might be better suited to play Macbeth. Among the myriad of reasons given, the final one was, "Hamlet wears tights." Adding he would be more comfortable wearing a kilt. "My kingdom for a thirty-two inch waist."

While reflecting on his $44.7 winter of discontent, the governor gave his suggestions for Lady Macbeth starting with Pamela Anderson, Sharon Stone or Anna Nicole Smith. "Go for box office," an investor suggested. "Sign up either Shirley MacLaine, Dick Cheney or Goldie Hawn."

"Dick Cheney? But Dick Cheney isn't even an actor. It would be opportunistic and irresponsible."

These are the times that try men's souls. "Think box office. Think $44.7 million. Think Terminator. Think of Cheney's WMD speech."


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: California, Toilet

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