Written by snoz bunsen

Wednesday, 16 November 2005

image for Sigourney Weaver Considers Early Man
Early Man, Contemplates Heartburn

Early humans living alongside great apes may have gained a competitive evolutionary advantage by embracing a primitive form of the Atkins diet, according to new research published this week by the University of Southern California.

Studies undertaken by US scientist, Sigourney Weaver, into the behaviour of gorillas in Uganda offer interesting clues into how the modern human diet evolved. At a conference of paleoanthropoligists from the Answers for Scared Scientists Who Insist Probing Endlessly Society (ASSWIPES), Ms. Weaver said, "Gorillas fall into two main groups, those who live in the colder volcanic regions with no access to meat and those who inhabit the more fertile areas where they compete aggressively for meat with chimpanzees.

"We discovered that meat eating gorillas and chimpanzees have a complex social structure and display human-like Machiavellian traits, for example, deception and manipulation of the weak."

Eminent scientist, Professor Plum, explained the genetic significance of the shift from an herbivorous to Omnivorous diet in the billiard room of the conference centre. He said, "It was a black day for the other great apes when early man essentially ended the evolutionary race by smacking the genetic structure of the herbivores around the head with a cholesterol candlestick, or a lump of lead piping of lard, if you'd rather. Just ask my colleague, Miss Scarlet.

"As we began eating meat, genetic changes took place that allowed early man to avoid conditions such as heart-disease, despite the increased consumption of fatty foods. We know this because more primitive civilisations, for example the Scottish - whose deep fried confectionary diet does not extend to meat - have the worst rates of heart disease on the planet, although I've never seen a Scotsman eat a vegetable either."

The new research suggests that had he not embraced a meat centred diet, there is a good chance early man would not have survived. An anthropologist at the conference centre explained, "If we observe the behaviour of meat eating chimpanzees we see that they display many human-like behaviours such as pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony and the consumption of sloths. In the volcanic basins of Southern Uganda however, isolated gorillas that have never embraced carnivorous tendencies, live in small social groups in and around clearings in the forests, spending their days staring into the sky with wide-eyed awe, nurturing their young and sharing what limited food resources they have equally among the group, regardless of status, condition, or strength of intellect.

"Imagine such an alternative for modern man, it would be an out and out disaster. If we all sat around passively on the forest floor in small social groups nurturing one another, simply embracing the gift of life, we wouldn't have the Bush and Blair administrations protecting our freedom. Now just try imagining that scenario."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: California, Diet

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