Written by Nick Hobbs

Sunday, 6 March 2011

image for Concern Rises As Police Hunt For Missing Jedward's Hair
Jedward's hair in happier times.

Concerns are escalating today as police step-up their nationwide search for Jedward's hair.

The X-Factor losers were made famous for their out of tune singing and twee Irish accents back in 2009. The duo gained notoriety when conspiracy theorists believed Simon Cowell was keeping them in the show, because no-one appeared to be voting for them, yet week after week they stayed in.

However, their fortunes changed mid-way through the auditions, when they enlisted the help of the 1998 Cameron Diaz hairstyle, worn in the comedy film 'There's Something About Mary'.

The haircut enjoyed massive acclaim throughout the rest of the nineties, and was often to be seen out and about at various red carpet bashes around Hollywood. But the heyday didn't last and by early 2001 it had hit hard times.

Suffering from depression, the hairstyle's career went a little flat. It was a natural progression to turn to alcohol. The next few years were spent in a drunken haze, moving from one low-budget movie to the next. Appearing in the TV mini-series 'Hercules' in 2005 as a mullet, was said to be a particular low-point for the struggling hair-piece. But things wouldn't be that way forever.

With the release of an extended cut Blu-Ray version of There's Something About Mary in 2009, interest was once again bestowed on the upright barnet. Famous faces from both sides of the Atlantic were seen sporting the style. From Sarah Harding from girl band Girls Aloud to ex-model Caprice, the hairstyle was back in the limelight.

A particular high-light of the hair's career came when it was asked to appear at the Vatican sitting on the Popes head, as he waved at the little people from his balcony. Sporting a shorter, dyed-white look, the upward quiff motif was still easily recognizable.

Then came the call that would launch the careers of both hair and wearer in to orbit.

The Jedward years marked a true return to form, opting for a fully-skyward all-over scalp uplift version, it was certainly the hairs most daring look, but it sealed it's notoriety instantly.

And for a while things looked good for the future.

However, losing the show came as an unexpected blow. But things weren't all bad. Taking stock of their options, Jedward were pleased to find they were promised a record deal, and they went on to release a single.

Clinging on to every last crumb of fame, the lads were asked to appear in a commercial for Money Supermarket.com, and the hair was duly employed for the role. Critics have said that it was by far the defining moment in the hairs acting career, completing a full downward fall on camera, something hair has never done before in real time.

But rumours began to abound that things were not happy in the Jedward camp. Their hair had begun to make demands, and was often being cited as the main protagonist in recurring arguments between the brothers. The diva like strops were taking their toll on the close relationship needed between artist and hair.

Come 2011 the boys began to be seen out and about for the first time since late 2009, without their distinctive cranial companion. The hair itself was last seen back in the US, in a longer, sleek, deep black dyed version, sitting rather uncomfortably on Kim Kardashian's head during a 'Sketchers' footwear advertisement, screened during the Superbowl.

This was the last time the hair was seen. After leaving the studio in California, it was due back in the UK for a reunion with the brothers. The hair-piece made it back to England, that much is known, as witnesses have confirmed seeing it on the flight. But the meeting never took place.

Police are asking for witnesses to come forward. They also wish to speak to a taxi driver who is believed to have picked up the hair from the airport.

Updates as get them.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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