Betty White Resolves To Die In 2011

Written by anthonyrosania

Friday, 31 December 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Betty White Resolves To Die In 2011
Betty White's Birth Certificate, in the original Aramaic.

While most people resolve to change their lives in a meaningful way in the upcoming year, Emmy-winner Betty White hopes that 2011 ends with her in a lavish brass casket.

Unexplained Reference Key

Helen Kushnick (1946 - 1996)Jay Leno's former agent. Fired as Tonight Show executive producer for banning Trisha Yearwood from show for appearing on Arsenio. Died of cancer at 49.

Tarja Kaarina Halonen is the current (and final) female President of Finland. And is clearly Conan in drag. No f--king doubt about it.

"It would be nice to die next year," said White, who expressed sadness that her 2010 resolution --24 hours of bowel and bladder control-- eluded her. "I'll f--king be 89 on January 17th; it's enough already."

While many journalists have written about the 'banner year' that White had in 2010, the 7-time Emmy winner says that most of her 2010 successes were just a pain in the ass.

" So I hosted 'Saturday Night Live,' big f--king deal," she said while trying to get as many prunes in her as possible before... well... they 'took effect.' "It was a 90 minute ordeal, ending at 1 in the morning. Do you know what I usually do at 1 in the morning that takes 90 minutes? Roll over."

White says she hated most of the things that garnered her national attention in 2010.

"The 'Death-Metal Friend' bit on 'SNL' that the jew-boy (Andy Samberg) wrote was stupid," she continued. "The whole f--king show was a variation on the same theme: Make the prim-and-proper old lady do some sh-t that prim-and-proper old ladies don't usually do. How original."

"It's lazy comedy, and just as bad as writing 'Miley Cyrus' and "Demi Lovato' in the title of a spoof article just to drive Google traffic."

"I hate to be pandered to," White continued. "On 'The Today Show', that one anchor, the one that looks like she could use an I.V. of Replens (Meredith Vieria), introduces me and Elmo by saying 'two young stars are with us...' Calling me young is like calling Princess Diana 'beautiful' or President Obama 'not a nig-nog'."

"We know what we are."

"And then Elmo kisses me all over and that -unt says 'Get a room, kids!' F--k you, already, Vieria. Elmo is a f--king puppet, and my vagina healed over like an unused ear piercing thirty yeas ago."

White also has no love for the Tonight Show's Jay Leno, who uses her in the bit "Will This Make Betty White Flinch?", a game in which he fires everything from paint balls to actual bullets straight at her face, with a flimsy, clear plastic wall as her only shield.

"Again, lazy comedy. 'Let's poke the old b-tch with a stick and film it.' By the way, I thought they fired him off the Tonight Show and replaced him with (Finnish President) Tarja Halonen? And why wasn't he investigated after Helen Kushnick died?"

"I remember the OLD Tonight Show," White fondly recalls, as the unmistakable smell of soot, poo and female excitement filled the air. " Johnny would have me on, would get up to walk me to my seat on the stage, and ask me respectful series of questions."

"During a commercial break, Johnny would produce a hidden ashtray, offer me a cigarette, then penetrate me digitally while Doc's band played instrumental light-jazz."

"It. Was. Magic. Not like Leno, who just hops up, spins me around, and drops a hot load on my lower back."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more