Helena Bonham Carter Declares War on Helen Mirren

Funny story written by Catherine the Average

Thursday, 16 December 2010

image for Helena Bonham Carter Declares War on Helen Mirren
Bonham-Carter: "These days, I'm smokin'!"

Buried under accolades for her role in the King's Speech, the actress Helena Bonham Carter has now put the actress Helen Mirren on notice that her days are over as reigning queen of actresses portraying reigning queens.

"Going forward, I deserve first crack for my sacrifice,' said Bonham Carter. "As everybody knows I always play glamorous parts but I forsook that because nobody else was willing to wear those frightfully dowdy costumes and wigs. Dear old Helen is welcome to Queen Mary, but she can just sod off if she's got other any ideas. And come to think of it, Cate and Judi should sod off, too."

The performance is recognized as particularly distinct for being Bonham Carter's first on-screen appearance in a vaguely conventional hairstyle. Long typecast in parts as a side show freak, or playing characters that looked like one, Bonham Carter is said to be thumbing DeBrett's for future royal roles.

"I actually am developing my own property, based on this role, under the working title The Queen's Screech. She was a notorious tippler and while Tanqueray isn't screech, I think her lifelong alcohol consumption can be explored quite effectively on screen. How did it affect her relationship with Diana? How did it affect her relationship with her alarm clock? Is there a connection between gin and her increasingly gaudy fashion sense? Is it why she was a bit of a fattie?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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