Interesting Non-Nude Excerpts From Sarah Palin's New Book, "America By Heart, Russia By My House"

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 21 November 2010


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Sarah Palin shown in the moose head trophy room of her Wasilla home.

WASILLA - Sarah Louise Palin, the former governor of Alaska who resigned the job that the voters of the Iceberg State voted her to do, has finally revealed the real reasons why she resigned her governorship.

She stated that she resigned so that she could tend to her two wayward leaning older daughters as well as to the rest of the Palin family.

Palin also noted that she wanted to give herself some time to sit down and write some money making books and to get to do what she loves more than anything else in the entire world and that is to stalk and shoot caribou, moose, elk, and reindeer from state owned helicopters.

Sarah "Snowflake" Palin says that she worked up to 16 hours a day writing her 272 page book which is entitled, America By Heart, Russia By My House.

She was asked where the name came from. She smiled pulled at her semi-long stringy hair and said that her nine-year-old quasi-brat daughter Piper suggested the title during a salmon and blueberry cupcake making session back in September.

Palin was asked if the books price of $25.99 wasn't kind of on the steep side. She grinned and said that she did not think so and that she knows that Republicans can afford her book and if Democrats cannot afford it then they can just go read something else like magazines with hot dog recipes, comic books, or the National Friggin Enquirer.

She was asked why the publishing company had placed Tina Fey's photo on the cover instead of her own. She shrugged her shoulders and responded by saying that there certainly was a mix up in the cover department and that the publishing company has assured her that the next printing of one million books will have Fey's photo removed and replaced with her's (Palins).

The 272 page book is filled with literally hundreds and hundreds of Palinisms and Palinesque phrases such as you betcha, ya know, gosh darnit, and golly effen gee willakurs.

The book also reveals where her various nicknames came from. Some of these nicknames include "Snowflake Sarah," "Snow Plow Palin," "Tundra Thighs," "Shotgun Sarah," "and "Dog Sled Sarah."

The books chapter seven entitled, Does This Camouflage Bra Make My Tits Look Saggy? deals with the truth behind the rumor that Sarah really does wear a jock strap whenever she is out in Alaska's wild wilderness hunting down caribou, moose, and reindeer.

Chapter nine deals with daughter and Dancing With The Stars dancing sensation Bristol's pregnancy. Sarah sternly blames Bristol's baby daddy, Levi Johnston for getting Bristol pregnant. Palin writes, "Well ya know, truth be told my sweet little innocent Bristy did not get herself knocked up all by her freakin self okay?"

In the books chapter ten Palin mentions that her ex-future no good son-in-law Levi Johnston was not even present at the birth of his and Bristol's baby Tripp.

The elder Palin pointed out that she was not only there in the hospital bed with her daughter but she actually cut the umbilical cord with her reindeer gutting knife.

She stated that she also took it upon her self to circumcise little Trippy using the old traditional Eskimo method which involves a paper clip, a household machete, a Sharpie Pen, a tablespoon of Cayenne pepper, and a stapler.

The books next-to-the-last chapter deals with the reality show American Idol. Palin notes that she hates the show with a passion since the amateur contestants are simply just a bunch of talentless wannabes who do not even know the difference between a G note and a G spot.

When she was informed that her daughter Bristol was an amateur contestant on Dancing With The Stars Palin became quite indignant and replied, "Well ya know what? My little Bristy has gone from not knowing the difference between a leg split and a banana split to actually becoming one of the all time greatest dancers to ever grace the Dancing With The Stars stage."

Sarah Palin recently received some hair extensions at Wasilla's Halibut Hank's Beauty Salon. The extensions resemble those of Kate Gosselin except that they are brown, thinner, and a whole lot cheaper.

SIDENOTE: In the books last chapter Palin addresses the false malicious rumor that while husband Todd was out salmon fishing with his fishing guide the extremely sexy Nanicka Zapalicka this past May that she was seen at Wasilla's Purple Polar Bear Motel in the company of Andrew Plonkerwood, lead singer with the Wasilla based German music band, Accordion Andy And His Oompah Band.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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