James Bond - Cutesy Fears

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Wednesday, 17 November 2010


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Now listen very carefully, Bond.

Wacky robots speaking in accents from the southern USA?

Bikini-clad bunny rabbits?

Bluebirds packing AK47s?

These are among the images studio insiders fear if the latest James Bond movie gets the go-ahead with financial backing from Disney.

Shooting of the latest 007 adventure was postponed several months ago when the money ran out. Producers have been seeking new finance since.

But Bond insiders fear for the integrity of the franchise if that finance is provided by Disney. There's no suggestion that Disney is involved, but insiders' fears are insiders' fears.

"Can you imagine what that would mean for OO7, for Heaven's sake?" said one.

"So, Bond turns up at a casino on the trail of an international criminal psychopath and as usual, he picks up a beautiful woman, who, we know is involved in the case up to her neck.

"But now, she's a bloody rabbit wearing a black Vera Wang number.

"And the international criminal psychopath turns out, when we meet him, to be a scar-faced Tiger with a Russian accent!

"Then, Bond arranges to blow up the international criminal psychopath's underground lair from which he plans to launch his super-weapon.

"He's arranged for the US Marines or the British SAS to arrive as back-up but guess what? The explosions and shooting start and here come a bunch of fawns wearing bandanas and bandoliers, chucking grenades and spraying bullets everywhere.

"Add to that wisecracking Texan robots and a car that talks to Bond like a sexy seductress, M as a kindly Teddy Bear, a pussy cat Moneypenny... well that's it, the end, really, isn't it?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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