Written by Nick Hobbs

Friday, 22 October 2010

image for Cher Lloyd: "I Can Take Anything That They Want To Throw At Me"
A brick, yesterday. Set to be thrown at Cher Lloyd, can you take that, bitch? Well, can you??

Cher Lloyd, stroppy stick insect from the X-Factor, has sensationally challenged her detractors by stating she has toughened up, and can now "take anything that's thrown at me!"

Lining up for the first throw is Daniel Brigstock, 37, an umemployed baker from Croyden. Brigstock won a radio competition to be the first to throw something at the annoying freak.

"I've chosen a broken chair leg," he told us, "I can get a good swing on it, and my aim is pretty good. Plus if it hits her, snapped-end first, that should gouge a good chunk of flesh from her. Hey, it might even stick in!"

Sally Feffenspell, 18, came a close second to Brigstock. She told us "my weapon of choice is a solid piece of flint. If I get it right, I can use a frisbee action on it, and if it hits the target, it should have a razor blade effect."

Champion shot-putter, Frank Parsloe, explained "the target will be difficult to hit. Lets face it, Lloyd is as thin as a rake, and about as pretty. Throwers will have to take wind direction into account. I think the chair leg is the favourite so far, if he manages to get a good, solid overarm throw on it!"

Even the stars have come out to lend their support to the throw off. Past winner Leona Lewis has lined up for a private throwing session with Lloyd. She told us "Cher is a bint! If she thinks she has half the talent I do, then she's a mental."

Lewis refused to be drawn on what exactly she intends to launch at the nasal-rasping twiglet. But she did say "I have a few ideas, I liked the thought of knives, but they're too clean, and too easy to sail right past. I also toyed with the idea of dropping a fridge-freezer on her from a crane, but I'm told that isn't really classed as throwing, it's more dropping."

The throw off is set to take place next tuesday, infront of a packed Wembley Arena audience.

Lloyds PR representative was heard to say "I wish that bloody tart would learn to keep her trap shut, doesn't she realise people hate her enough already!"

The event will be televised, under the close supervision of SyCo Productions, the makers of The X-Factor, also known as Simon Cowell.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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