Jennifer Thompson, Wayne Rooney's close friend and confidante, has been booked to do the Oxford Union next week. Is this a move in keeping with the Union's usual modus operandi, to have the foremost personalities of the day speak to the intellectual elite of our country? We caught up with the Vice President of the Union - who wishes to remain anonymous:
"Well - when we say she's going to "do" the Union, we are actually using a crude double entendre regularly employed by the poor and intellectually inferior to describe a sexual act. In fact Ms Thompson will be in Oxford to make us intellectual - but physically repellent - types very happy by providing services of a carnal nature. I suppose I am in - a very literal sense - the "vice" president." He chortled at his little joke.
At being asked whether she would be speaking at all to the students, the VP informed us: "Well, she'll certainly be providing oral services!"
We refused to make any wise cracks about the Union being a mass debating organisation.
As we left, the young lad winked and said: "When I said I was coming up to Oxford, I am sure this isn't quite what Mater and Pater had in mind!!"