Prepare Your Kids: Someday, Someone May Offer Them... Fantasia Barrino's Sex Tape

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Sunday, 8 August 2010


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ABOVE: Fantasia Barrino, during American Idol's "Minstrel Show" episode.

All parents know that they must talk to their children about alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs. It is an important step in keeping them safe and healthy.

But that isn't enough; someday, someone is going to offer your kids the Fantasia Barrino's sex tape.

Court documents filed this week by a woman scorned in North Carolina allege her husband had an affair with former "American Idol" champ Fantasia Barrino, and the two made a *gag*... sex tape.

Paula Cook, an unemployed, self-styled "Lifestyle Designer" filed for child support against her estranged husband Antwaun Cook last week, at which time she alleged that Antweehn began an affair with the Barrino. She cited hideously stained throw pillows and skid-marked accessory rugs as evidence of an alleged affair between Anfernee and Barrino.

She claims the two met at a T-Mobile store, where Ahntowann is a salesperson and Fantasia was there to buy more minutes for her pre-paid 1998 Motorola Star-Tac, and began their "covert adulterous affair" in August of 2009: "Throughout the course of their adulterous affair," Ms. Cook alleges, "Defendant/Husband and Ms. Barrino have at times recorded their illicit bumping of the uglies.

And now, the aforementioned videotape of Uglies-bumping may very well find its way into your lives, into your home. Indeed, into your childrens' eye-holes.

"Frankly, its gotten much easier talking to kids about the dangers of drugs," said Nicole Lambropoulos, an unwed mother of 3. "I use Lindsay Lohan flash cards to drill my 4 year-old: 'Miel, what was Lindsay arrested for here,' I'll ask. 'Failure to submit to a blood alcohol test and possession of a CDS,' she'll reply.

"No SCRAM bracelet for my daughters," Lambropopadopolus added. "But what do I do to warn them against Fantasia's sex tape??"

"It's really not different," said Dr. B.A. Ware of the Danielle Staub Memorial Center for Sextape Injuries. Be specific, reasonable and reward good behavior."

Be Specific

Tell your children the rule and what behavior you expect. For example, you could say, "You are not allowed to watch a Fantasia Barrino video. Our family doesn't watch them, because it's unhealthy," or, "Blind people shouldn't see her naked, certainly not my baby!!!"

You might also tell your children that if they are at a party where porn featuring functionally illiterate Karaoke Queens is being shown, they can call you for a ride home.

Be Reasonable

Don't change the rules in mid-stream or add new consequences without talking to your children. Avoid unrealistic threats. If you do find that your children have sex tapes of Fantasia, or any other American Idol winner*, try to react calmly and carry out the consequence you have previously stated.

"One of the most realistic conversations ever recorded was for a 1987 PSA about marijuana, highlighting the problem when a parent is exhibiting illicit behavior," said Dr. Ware.

SCENE: The whitest kid in America is relaxing on his bed, listening to music on those big 80's headphones that look like ear protection for people landing jets on aircraft carriers.

The boy's father enters the room. The father, obviously of Central American heritage, stares at the boy, ostensibly searching for an iota of resemblance between the two. He is carrying a cigarbox.

Father: Is this yours?

Son: No, I uh...

Father: Your mother said she found it in your closet.

Son: I don't know. One of the guys must have...

Father: Must have what?

Son: But, Dad, it's not...

Father: Where did you get it?

Son: Dad, I...

Father: Tu no me grites! Oiste, hijo de puta? Tu ne puedes hablar conmigo como yo soy un idiota en la calle. Answer me!

Son: What? What the f... Who cast you for this PSA? Look at me, 'Dad'. I'm Irish, and you look like Carlos from The Electric Company! I don't...

Father:Who taught you how to do this stuff?

Son: You, alright? I learned it by watching you.

"Ok, I was wrong. That was useless," amended Dr. Ware.

Recognize Good Behavior

Always let your children know how happy you are that they are not bowing to peer pressure by praising them. Emphasize the days your kid didn't watch Fantasia hobbing a knob, instead of focusing on what they did watch.

Because, Jesus, no one can unwatch a Fantasia Barrino sextape.

* Except for that now-famous hot chick from season 1 that did a really crappy movie, Justin Guarini.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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