Now 43, Justin Bieber Reflects on Life & Career

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Wednesday, 19 May 2010


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Justin Bieber: Passing Time

Rolling Stone, April 24, 2037 -- The spring air was crisp, but pleasant outside of Justin Bieber's unlikely summer home located out on the swamps of Louisiana.

"I enjoy this time of year," the Stratford, Ontario, native says, "because the weather is nice, but you don't have to deal with all the mosquitoes and stuff like you do in the summertime, either. It's perfect."

Perfect is how many of Bieber's once screaming throng of fans, of course now all grown up themselves, tend to perceive Justin's seemingly charmed life, although he left the glare of spotlights more than 20 years ago.

"What a ride," Mr. Bieber reflects. "It all happened so fast, from my humble youtube days to international super stardom. Even I have difficulty comprehending how that happened," he expressed in semi-disbelief.

"A lot of that time period is just a blur. I mean, once my singing career took off it was all about squeezing in as many concerts and appearances as humanly possible -- and with as little sleep as possible, too" he said with a chuckle. "It wasn't easy."

Besides the grueling schedule, which included long flights around the world, Mr. Bieber describes other challenges he faced growing up as a teen heartthrob. "I had this squeaky clean image to uphold," Bieber pointed out, "yet, once I turned 18, I was like, totally out of control, man -- literally."

Mr. Bieber also described periods of kicking holes in hotel rooms, as well as engaging in drunken "piss fights" with roadies and other elements of his entourage. "Yeah, we tended to make a mess wherever we went," he says with a smile, "I don't know how much damage we caused, but it had to be expensive. Good thing we were rolling in the money," he said whilst savoring a cigar .

Now 43, Justin Bieber's life has slowed down from the hedonism that punctuated his youth. "Yeah, I often wonder how I survived that time period," the recovering heroin and sex addict said matter-of-factly. "That was some crazy shit."

Since retiring from show business altogether, Bieber has married and divorced twice. He has 7 children (that he's aware of) resulting from his previous marriages, including 1 child from his latest live-in relationship, Emma, who, strangely enough, apparently met Bieber whilst he was out shopping for toenail fungus medication in Baton Rouge last year.

"Yeah, I had a pretty bad infection last year," Bieber laughs, "but hey, that's where I met Emma working at a local Walgreens. It [the relationship] just grew from there."

For her part, Emma, who could only be reached by phone due to a previously scheduled liposuction appointment, noted that her chance encounter, and subsequent relationship with none other than the Justin Bieber was "amazing."

"Well, as I remember he came into Walgreens where I worked because he was needing some anti-fungal medication," Emma described of the encounter from her doctor's office.

"I could tell he was a little embarrassed, you know, so I told him about my yeast infection and how I finally overcame that," she said, "and after that, we just hit it off. It was love at first sight -- and I didn't even know who he was until a week later when he told me while we was out swamp fishin."

Gazing out at the swamp just beyond the front porch of his Louisiana home, Justin Bieber recalls making the decision to never sing again.

"Yeah, I get calls -- especially from class reunions across the country wanting me to perform," he said with a hint of disdain in his voice. "But you know, I'm not 16 anymore," he explained, noting the obvious. "I've got high blood pressure, my knees are bad -- look, it's just not the same. It has to stop sometime," he lamented.

And stop it has. Bieber's last attempt at a come-back was a mere 2 years ago, and it flopped badly.

No longer sporting his once lilting, adolescent voice, one particularly biting reviewer observed that Mr. Bieber's "...gyrating displays on stage whilst singing 'One Less Lonely Girl' sent shivers down my spine. My first instinct was to grab my 12 year old daughter, and flee."

Bieber shrugs off such vitriol as "young [expletive] reviewers attempting to make names for themselves. However, the experience seems to have convinced Bieber that his time in the spotlight is over.

"Hey, I've passed the torch. I've had a good life, and now it's time to move on," Mr. Bieber graciously conceded before posing a rhetorical question to his critics: "What were you doing at 15 years of age?" he asked as he puckered his lips for the final hit of his cigar.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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