I Was Robert Pattinson's Sex Slave

Written by Skoob1999

Friday, 23 April 2010


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Dawn Crack With Cigarette Following Good Seeing To.

Amazing claim by Leominster woman Dawn Crack surfaced on the internet two minutes ago. Sources say that Dawn Crack is a chubby bird with an eating disorder and 'issues'.

Ms Crack claimed on a Vampire website that Robert Pattinson, under the guise of his Twilight character Edward Cullen, kept her confined to her home for two years - excepting the occasions when she ran down the street naked waving ribbons - and subjected her to 'all manner of naughtiness.'

Neighbours of Ms Crack were said to be shocked, stunned and more than a little amazed to learn that a bona-fide Hollywood vampire star has been swooping above their rooftops whilst metamorphosed into a bat, before suddenly resuming human form and getting down and dirty with Dawn Crack.

A local schoolboy claimed that Pattinson had turned up at a local park one evening at twilight looking gaunt and attempted to get a group of local youths to play baseball.

When the youths declined, Pattinson allegedly hissed at them and told them that he was off to give Dawn Crack 'a damned good seeing to.'

Dawn Crack supported the allegations by uploading images of the Twilight book by Stephanie Meyer, a poster of Robert Pattinson which was all covered in smeared lipstick, and a picture of a black cat she'd taken from a public domain library.

Robert Pattinson declined to comment on the allegations, but co-star Kristen Stewart told us that she had once endured a similar campaign initiated by a man named George from Newton Le Willows.

The police said they weren't interested.

Look out for the sparks. They will fly.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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