Katie Stevens Has "Never Actually Been Dragged Away by Wild Horses," Says Kara DioGuardi

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

image for Katie Stevens Has "Never Actually Been Dragged Away by Wild Horses," Says Kara DioGuardi
'And THIS guy's never even been a member of the Rolling Stones!' DioGardi said. 'I didn't buy it.'

LOS ANGELES, California - One of the most lackluster Top 12 groups in America's Got Idols history had to face the legendary Rolling Stones' songbook Tuesday night, but Kara DioGuardi continued to demonstrate an unwillingness to cut younger performers any slack whatsoever.

The self-proclaimed cougar pounced on little Katie Stevens, 17, after the Idol hopeful performed a well-known track by the geriatric rockers, giving what was undoubtedly her best performance to date.

"Look, I'm going to be honest with you," explained DioGuardi. "This song is about wild horses, right? So think about it, you know? The idea that wild horses could drag you away. Wild horses. Dragging you away. Do you really understand what that means?

"No, of course you don't," she added. "You're just a little girl, from Connecticut."

"I like to ride horses with my father in Connecticut," replied Stevens. "Except, a few weeks ago, a bee stung ol' Tea Biscuit. He bucked me off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. He must've dragged me almost halfway to Massachusetts!

"...but, aside from that, you make an excellent point, ma'am," Stevens added.

Siobhan Magnus' dramatic rendition of "Paint it Black" also failed to impress DioGuardi, though the evening's most notable performance wowed Randy Jackson, Ellen DeGeneres, and even impressed Simon Cowell.

"Yeah, but the problem is, you didn't actually paint anything black, did you?" DioGuardi asked a scowling Magnus, 20. "I mean, you didn't even bring any paint! Or a paint brush, or a ladder. I want to get it, I really do, the whole 'drama' thing, the 'screaming' thing, the 'weird' thing. Because I really, really like you. But I'm sorry, I just didn't feel like you connected with your inner painter."

Sixteen-year-old Aaron Kelly's heartfelt rendition of "Angie" also left DioGuardi "not feeling it."

"I just don't know," she said, shaking her head as she eyed the tearful performer skeptically. "What are you, like, sixteen? How can you possibly understand the things Mick Jagger felt? You're just a kid!"

"I used to have a girlfriend named Angie," Kelly blurted, breaking into sobs. "I still love her, ma'am. Everywhere I look I see her eyes; there ain't... there ain't a woman that comes close to her!"

Kelly then bolted from the stage, his poor, young heart still breaking as DioGuardi, Executive Vice President of Talent Development for Worn-er Brothers Records, shrugged at the other judges.

"What?" she asked. "I'm sorry! I just don't get it!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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