Susan Boyle fanatics were last night issued anti-humour spectacles to prevent them from having to read anything funny. The spectacles are designed to sound an alarm and turn red when the wearer starts to read anything that may be seen as at all humourous.
A fanatic, who apparently cannot be named for humourless reasons, may or may not possibly have allegedly said "These are great. No longer do I have to put up with anyone being funny. Now if only I could get this spike out of my ass."
Another fanatic, on his way to the hairdresser for a badly needed haircut, may have said "We can't have people reading anything funny. It may prevent them from clicking the 'donate' button."
A couple of possibly fictitious red scarf wearing fanatics probably said "We would probably be praying for something or other, if we existed."
The spectacles are free to those with a red scarf. Those with a purple scarf don't need them!
This article has been pre-edited 'for clarity' by 'Elsewhere Editing Services' to prevent any over-sensitive fanatics from bursting into tears.