Acerbic talent judge Simon Cowell has got a "spring in his step" thanks to his new fiancée Mezhgan Hussainy, Britain's Got Talent hosts Ant and Dec said Friday.
That's right! The terror of many an aspiring pop celeb has announced he is being officially taken out of the running as one of British and American TV's most eligible bachelors.
When asked to comment on his engagement to Mezhgan, Cowell told me, "Well, I think it should be quite a blessed engagement, just because I'm involved, but Mezhgan, while barely adequate in the sack, makes up for it by being terribly drab and awful."
The renowned sourpuss then slapped an office intern, called Ellen Degeneres "An anorexic parody of Lady Gaga without quite as much fashion sense," and proceeded to beat Randy Jackson with a ruler.
"I mean, putting aside your total lack of talent at administering a decent blow job," Cowell told his fiancee "and your complete travesty of a singing voice, I'd have to say your chances of making it to Hollywood are pretty much nil, so fuck off."
The wedding, which is scheduled for next winter, is expected to be a gala event unprecedented in the history of television, with casualties projected to hit the hundred thousand mark. Aid stations have been set up along Hollywood Boulevard and in London in anticipation of what will surely be the biggest bloodbath in showbiz. Outfits for the wedding party are being designed by Josef Mengele and catering is being handled by chef Gordon Ramsay, who is expected to personally slap the bride and disembowel several guests with a pie server.
