PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Florida - Eldrick Tont Woods, also known as Mr. Wood, WonderWood, Capt. Hardwood, The Erector Vector, El Tigre, and a name that his wife calls him The Dick With Feet, finally, after almost three months (THREE MONTHS) decided to honor the media, the press, and all of America and the world with a press conference.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The repetitive and capitalized THREE MONTHS is inserted by yours truly in order to fully stress the audacity of the alley catting Mr. Tiger "Whack Whack" Woods.]
Woods basically apologized but not for what he did as much as for getting caught at what he did. And that is the standard method of operations when a person who is basically a "Man-Ho" gets caught with his pants down, his shorts down, and his pokenpeter in the proximity of some opportunistic, shrewd, dollar-sign focusing, attractive, boobalistically-endowed usually blonde female's you-know-what (the infamous bearded taco or in some cases the infamous hairless taco).
So after spending several weeks in The Libido Be Gone Sexual Rehabilitation Clinic in Mississippi, the frisky, well-rested Tiger is now ready to start high struttin' it out and about.
And no doubt, in a few days he will probably start telling the media, the press, and the paparazzi that all of those 12 or 14, or 37 sand-trap strumpets or Golf Gate gals seduced him by putting some "Roofies" in his Gatorade.
Yes, I can hear Mr. Tiger now. "I did not have sex with any of those 14 or so women. They had sex with me. Hell, I seem to recall that I was asleep. Now I know that it sounds crazy but hey, my Mississippi Rehab doctor told me that I'm not crazy, I'm just a little insane.
But then hey, what the eff...look at others around us, David "Crazy Hair" Letterman, Wolf "In Sheep's Clothing" Blitzer, Johnny "Say Cheese" Edwards, Governor Mark "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" Sanford, and Kobe "The Colordo Kool-Aid Kid" Bryant."
Oh yes, Mr. and Mrs. America, in a few weeks the supermarket tabloids will be filled with 50-point size words and they will literally be jumping out at us as we stand patiently in line with our groceries.
And these headlines will read "Tiger says 14 women forced him to have sex 2,983 times," "TigerBoy was turned into a helpless sex toy by mean white blonde women," and "The Tiger was raped close to 3,000 times by long-legged Anglo-American females."
So the supermarket tabloids will sell like hot cakes. Tiger will return to making millions once again playing with golf balls instead of with crotch cookie crazy balls, and all of the members of the exclusive Tiger Woods "Scorecard Cuties" will sell hundreds of thousands of books, appear on Oprah's Show, Ellen's Show, Bonnie Hunt's Show, Judge Judy, the Weather Channel, the Wheel of Fortune, C-Span, and then eventually the History Channel.
For further reading on the subject involving Tiger's "Y" women log on to www.thetigerhasgotsomeballs.tee.