PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Florida: In a too-little-too-late PR campaign designed to redeem himself, Tiger "Cheatah" Woods emerged from hiding and issued yet another apology.
It was a closely scripted, well-rehearsed event - intended to inject the right amount of remorse with a crashing I-am-turning-to-religion finale taken from page 52 of the "How to Repent in Public" handbook used by previous shameful sinners Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart and various GOP Republicans.
However, in a twist from the usual public repentance "support team" Tiger's mom Kultida substituted for still-mad-as-hell wife Elin, whispering the required words of support and love.
Bystanders wondered which planet Kultida had been inhabiting when her Cheatah son had been running around with his pants unzipped.
Tiger also turned away from the usual forgiving religion - Born Again Christian[ity] - which is only reserved for American celebrity sinners and people who do 'bad things'- to a novel Born-again Buddhism - claiming he had been 'raised' by his mother with Buddhist principles but had strayed.
This led to an immediate verbal regurgitation from Sarah [Motormouth] Palin on behalf of the Teabaggers:
"This is proof that he is not a Christian and probably wasn't even born in America. On behalf of our Foundling (sic) Fathers we demand to see his birth certificate"
The Dalai Lama who is visiting the US had no comment but issued this statement:
"Tiger species must be protected from extinction - now this is Year of Tiger in China - but also all other animal species must be protected"
The Academy Awards committee which is mulling Oscar contenders said Tiger's performance was clinically delivered using all the appropriate hand movements considering his usual wooden personality and lack of empathy or warmth and threw his name into the "Best Actor" hat.
The Swedish Nobel Prize committee emphatically said it would not be "considering him for next year's Nobel Peace Prize"