Mimi Le Boeuf 49, real name Sandra Flisspap of Newington Butts claimed that the famous - and fabulously wealthy - Chelsea duo were "stupid jerks" when it came down to selecting partners with whom to conduct extra-marital dalliances, and that their choices had always been sure to round on them sooner or later.
I met Mimi/Sandra, her 'business manager' Archie Archer, and her brother, who introduced himself only as 'Crackpipe' in a squalid north London flat.
Following hasty introductions, during which we declined graciously to shake hands on Health And Safety grounds, we asked Mimi/Sandra, why it was that she considered top footballers Ashley Cole and John Terry to be 'jerks.'
"They're jerks because they're just like all footballers," she told us. "They can't help it. They marry their childhood sweethearts and then no sooner have they tied the knot than they're off trying to bang Page 3 girls or lingerie models..."
"And what they fail to grasp, invariably," Archie Archer cut in, "is that these women only want their money. They're just kiss and tell merchants with one eye on the clock and the other on the credit cards. They just don't see that these women are gold diggers. Simple as that."
"They got no idea how to exercise discretion," Mimi/Sandra went on. "These model types is all the same. And they're crap shags too. You wanna know about discretion..."
"She'll tell you all about discretion," Crackpipe told me.
"I'll tell you about discretion," Mimi/Sandra hissed, pausing only to roll up and light a cigarette. "I, that is me, I once got shagged by the bins in a tower block by an extra out of 'Life On Mars' We made the earth move, I can tellya. That was the knee-trembler to end all fuckin' knee- tremblers, I'll say. Took me from behind he did. Big boy he was too. Never had me tits squashed so hard against a brick wall. Like a steam train he was. And he was famous. Third bloke in the queue in the Post Office scene. But did I go running to the tabloids to sell me story? Did I get on the blower to Max Clifford? Did I fuck. Because I understands discretion I do."
Mimi/Sandra then asked us for money, but I told her to fuck off.
More squalid tales of urban depravity as I get them.
