Cheryl and Ashley Cole's Marital Status Is Slowly Slithering Into The Salaciously Steamy Sewer of Sadness

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

LONDON - Once upon a time in merry ole' England Cheryl and Ashley Cole were the land of Shakespeare's most popular and happiest couple, other than Charlie and Cammy of course.

But then the cold, frigid, British biting winter wind hit and it literally blew all of the happiness into the River Thames, where bottom-feeding fish devoured the joyous joy as if it were bottom-feeding fish, fish food.

Cheryl, the little 5 foot 3 daughter of the U.K. became a world-wide celebrity, in part due to her exposure (pun intended) on the popular British show X-Factor.

Mrs. Cole also became widely known because of her membership in the fabulous scantily-clad all-girl band, Girls Aloud.

Even the head of 19th Hole Productions Simon Cowell has revealed somewhat off-the-record that Cheryl is really and truly one of the sexiest women he has ever known.

He said that she has a knack for knowing exactly what clothes item to wear to make her puppies look like award-winners.

Cowell grinned from ear-to-ear, or more accurately from ear-to-groin, and remarked that there is no doubt in his mind that miniskirts, short shorts, and bikini thongs were made with little Cheryl in mind.

But alas, so many have asked in at least 27 different languages, what has happened to the fairy tale story that was once known as Cheryl and Ashley in Wonderland?

Many pause and wonder in wondrous wonderment as well as in amazed amazement at how such a loving couple could all of a sudden fall down to earth like a record-breaking meteorite.

Why has this formerly almost perfect-like couple now gone from Cheryl and Ashely in Wonderland to Cheryl and Ashley in What-The-Fook-HappenedLand.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: For the American readers the British word 'fook' is equivalent to the American word (EXPLETIVE DELETED BY THE PUBLISHER)]

Some casual observers, and other observers who are not dressed as casually, have suggested that perhaps it was the dreaded sports "S" word, steroids.

But one of the top sports doctors in Great Britain, Dr. Nigel Bloomingshire, has said that is not the case. He said that he knows that to be a fact because on several occasions he has seen Ashley Cole totally naked.

Others have said that Ashley probably spent way too much time reading about the likes of America's worst intimate behavioral influence TigerBoy.

A close friend of Ashley's even stated that when Ashley first heard that Tiger Woods had become involved with at least 14 woman, he became jealous and felt that he was missing out on a lot of free and easy (blank).

Others point to fellow footballer John "Okay Next One" Terry. Many sports fans, TV fans, and ceiling fans are puzzled as to why it is that so many footballers feel that they can just run around wearing their peckers on their sleeves so to speak.

Everyone knows that there are always, and there will always be the Vanessa Perroncel's, the Rachel Uchitel's, and the Rielle Hunter's lurking about.

These opportunistic females simply bide their time just watching and observing and finding ways to showcase what their mama's gave them in order to stir up the male hormones in males who live upon the three most popular stages in the entire so-called civilized world, the national stage, the international stage, and the world stage.

Yes, for these well-liked, well-established, and in most cases probably well-hung celebrities the world is certainly their stage.

And for these crazy-hormoned guys, chaps, fellas, bros, hombres, and dudes the curtain never ever seems to come down. Or at least not from where they are standing, or actually lying, as it where, or as it is, or as it be (and feel free to choose A, B, C, or D all of the above).

But by all accounts of stories currently appearing in such highly reputable British newspapers as The Liverpool Scouser Gazette, The Manchester Morning Manc, The Portsmouth Pressed Poster, and the mama of all U.K. papers, The London Hand-Held Daily Mirror the sun has not quite set on some of these marriages just yet.

Cheryl Cole, like Toni Poole, and Elin Nordegren have all gone through times when the sunshine went away, and the the darkest clouds in the so called weather food chain opened up and dropped a voluminous amount of raindrops, rainfall, and rain bs.

Yes, in the cases of Cheryl, Toni, and Elin raincoats help. As do umbrellas, galoshes, and tons and tons of money. But when the day comes to an end, and the sun sets in the West, and the remote controls are placed in their holders, and the cell phones are all carefully placed in their chargers, one searing sizzling question still remains..."Hey mate what da fook was ya thinkin'?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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