VONORE, Tennessee - The 19-year-old resident of Vonore, Tennessee, Vanessa Wolfe, has returned back to her hometown.
The towns 1,492 residents all turned out for The Welcome Back Home Vanessa Day Parade and Cornbread Fixin' Bake-Off.
Evelyn Suzy Bogbitter Miss Vonore of 2009, 2008, and 2006, was the main speaker at the podium which had been set up in the Dairy Queen parking lot.
Bogbitter said that the whole town was proud of their skinny little barefooted hillbilly singin' gal.
She went on to say. "Vanny, I wants ya ta know dat everyone in Vonore is proud of ya. We all sat in front of da TV and watched ya sing your skinny little old butt off.
Someone said dat dey noticed dat one of da buttons on your blue denim work shirt had popped plum off, but no one could see your juggy-jugs since dey ain't much of 'em there ta be seein' no how, no way, huh Vanny."
Vanessa got up. She brushed the blonde hair out of her face and said. "First of all, I wants ta thank all of y'all for comin' out this afternoon. I knows dat lots of ya's got farm chores ta do like cow milkin', chicken feedin', and pig denuttin'.
But I am so glad dat ya came here ta see little skinny barefoot and semi-pretty old me. People have tells me dat I ain't gots no self-esteem. And I have not gots any idea what da hell dis self-esteem means."
Someone shouted out that's okay Vanny, you gots ya some manly-lookin' hands and dose babies 'ill sho nuff come in handy during cotton pickin' time.
Vanny shouted back, "Hey, y'all I hear dat and thank y'all so much."
She was asked what her favorite experience about the whole American Idol thing was. She said that she was thrilled to take her very first aeroplane ride.
She said that before the flight she was as nervous as an Easter bunny at a bobcat convention. But she said that luckily she was seated next to a real nice young man from New York City who told her that he had flown 200 times and he gave her some tips on how to relax.
Vanny said that the nice gentlemen said that he would reach up under her blouse and caress her two doo-dahs while the plane was taking off so that the sudden movement wouldn't cause them to shake all about, which could give her a real bad headache.
She said that he finally took his hands out of her blouse when the flight attendant whispered something or other in his ear. I told her that he was just helping me to keep from being all nervous and all.
The flight attendant winked and told her that she wasn't the first country girl he had helped to relax.
Back at the Vonore celebration Vanessa was asked if she had met any nice eligible young men while she was in Hollywood. She said that she met several and it seems that about half of them were gay and the other half had the same idea of how to help her to relax.
She said that the first night when she got back to her hotel room she noticed that her two niblets both had scratches on them.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I'm pretty sure that Vanessa meant to say nipples instead of niblets.]
After the parade Vanessa was driven home by her 17-year-old cousin Timmy Bobby. He asked her if she wanted for him to stop off and get her a milk shake at the Tasty Freeze.
Vanny said that she was not thirsty but that the parade and all of the day's festiviites had made her feel kind of nervous. Timmy Bob's eyes lit up. He asked her if she maybe wanted for him to help her to relax.
Vanny lifted up her blouse and said, "Darnit it Timmy Bobby, I tought ya'd never ask."
