Lindsay Lohan Bites Ex-Girlfriend Samantha Ronson

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 6 February 2010

image for Lindsay Lohan Bites Ex-Girlfriend Samantha Ronson
Lindsay Lohan's ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson playing songs at The UK Royal Crown Club.

Well it seems that little old LiLo, aka Lindsay Lohan can just not get over being dumped by her ex-girlfriend DJ Samantha Ronson.

Lohan continues to pine for the person she calls, the woman of her dreams, the love of her life, and the munch*r of her carpeting.

A security guard at the nightclub The UK Royal Crown, Capistrano Chavez, said that he was on duty at the door when Lindsay Lohan walked in. She paid her $9 cover charge with a ten dollar bill.

Chavez gave her back four quarters. Lohan looked at the four quarters and told him that he had short-changed her. He told her that she better count again because he had given her back four quarters.

Lohan became upset and told Chavez that she was supposed to get one dollar change and instead he had given her four friggin quarters.

He asked her where the hell she had gone to school. Lohan became even more upset and asked to see a security guard. Chavez informed her that he was the club's chief security guard.

He then told Miss Lohan that if she didn't stop acting like some stupid, mathematically-challenged bitch he would pick up her botoxed body and toss her out on the street like he had done to Courtney Love last Friday, and Andy "Dickless" Dick the following Saturday.

Lohan looked at him with a puzzled look on her overly freckled face and asked, "Andy is dickless?"

Chavez motioned for her to come on in as she was holding up the line which included Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen, and Perez Hilton.

Lohan approached a table that was very close to where her ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson was sitting playing songs.

Lohan hollered out "Hello." Ronson made a face and shot her the finger.

LiLo got up and asked a very pretty girl wearing the shortest miniskirt in the entire place to dance. The girl recognized her and immediately stood up to dance.

As the two were dancing Lohan reached over and in full view of Ronson, grabbed one of the girls titarooni's, the left one I believe, or maybe the right one, it was kind of dark. But not dark enough that Ronson did not see what LiLo had done.

Ronson quickly stopped the song that was playing and started playing Elton John's "The Bitch Is Back."

Well, needless to say this infuriated Lindsay who grabbed a plate of nachos and threw them at Ronson. Samantha managed to duck and the nachos hit the wall.

Ronson then grabbed a microphone cord and ran towards Lindsay. She managed to wrap the cord around LiLo's neck three times before the security guard Capistrano Chavez could stop her.

Chavez grabbed Lohan, unwrapped the microphone cord and put her on the floor in front of him. He then he kicked her like an NFL kicker booting a 55 yard field goal.

LiLo landed by the door. She picked herself up and walked outside. Ronson went back to her DJ table and started playing the Ray Charles song "Hit The Road Jack."

Samantha didn't notice till later on when she went to the bathroom that during the altercation Lindsay had somehow managed to bite her on both her labia minora and labia majora.

In other news. Cloris Leachman who is 95, was asked if she still has her G-spot. Cloris laughed and replied, "Oh goodness no. It went south years ago and now instead of being a G-spot it's actually a 'knee' spot."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more