(Defecated News) Winner of Britain's Got Talent, Susan Boyle has captured the world's imagination with her rags to riches story. Starting off as a 'bull-milker' in the Outer Hebrides, Scotland, to having the biggest selling album this week in the US, her life has been transformed by Simon 'I Own The Charts' Cowell
But for others in the Boyle family, things have become less 'glitzy', and more 'shitzy'.
Susan's eldest brother Hamish, has been living out of the streets of Glasgow for the past three years. A victim of his own making, his addiction to gay porn as left him homeless, friendless and incontinent.
"I shit myself twelve times day", explains Hamish while reaching for a pack of baby wipes. "I've been jerking off to pictures of cocks and bollocks for so long that my sphincter has lost all muscle tone. I'm hooked. I need help. I need my beloved sister to help me.
It's understood Hamish had approached his 'star sister' Susan for financial and spiritual assistance. He had heard nothing from her until a few days ago.
Susan Boyle's spokesperson told us,
"Susan is an only child and is disturbed by this story. She does not know Hamish, and is certainly in no way related to him. She is sorry about his 'poo-control issues' and as a kind gesture, she has donated £200 to help him seek treatment. "
Hamish was later heard saying,
"Fucking result - two hundred squids. Next on the list is Will Smith - my 'long lost brother' heh heh, stupid fuckers."
