Pattinson, Lautner Tapped for "Hulk" Series

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 12 July 2009

image for Pattinson, Lautner Tapped for "Hulk" Series
Lautner in full makeup at current weight; trainer Bonds* will help star add 8-10 more pounds.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The SeeBS Network signed a tentative deal with New Moon stars Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner to begin filming a new primetime TV series based on a marvelous comic book character.

No surprise: Lautner will play the hulking beast, and Pattinson his mild-mannered alter-ego.

"I'm really pumped up about this new project," said Lautner, his head perched atop his neck like an apple on a tree stump, struggling to bring his arms down to his sides; he called it a "benchmark" role.

Not wanting to be "set" in such "heavy" roles so early in his career, he said, when he "spotted" a chance to break "the repetition," he "went for the maximum."

"Being done with New Moon will be like having a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders... which are very impressive," he said as he flexed and posed.

Lautner has reportedly considered consulting Lou Ferrigno, who played the incredible, hulk-like creature in the original TV series aired in the late 70's, in part to benefit from Ferrigno's experience, but mostly because he needs him to help push the massive actor through doorways on the set, as his tremendous bulk is beginning to impede his progress from room to room.

Unconfirmed sources indicated Lautner will continue to work closely with behind-the-scenes personal trainer, Barry Bonds*, who was still unavailable for comment.

Pattinson decided to lay aside a feud with his New Moon co-star to accept the role of scientist David Manners; Lautner is currently the subject of much controversy concerning his alleged violation of New Moon's "no-doping" clause in the star's movie contract.

Pattinson said he originally intended to audition for the role of hulking monster, but believes he is "too much of a guy" to have been seriously considered for the role.

In fact, revealed sources, Pattinson almost turned down the mild-mannered scientist role as well when he discovered he would have to remove his four-day beard; he ultimately relented at the producer's insistence it would grow back in a mere four days.

*This footnote is for anyone so obsessive that having an asterisk in the body of the story without a corresponding reference at the bottom of the page would drive them completely nuts. You're welcome!

*This footnote is for the other asterisk (in photo caption). I felt compelled to add it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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