Written by Robert W. Armijo

Sunday, 26 April 2009

image for Simon Cowell to give Susan Boyle the boot; adds Bikini elimination round to "Britain's Got Talent"
Beware Susan Boyle for Simon Cowell is on the prowl

London, England - Clearly threatened by the homely dowdy looks of Susan Boyle, whose talent bares witnesses to the existence of inner beauty, Simon Cowell the creator of "Britain's Got Talent" has surprised everyone when he announced today that he is adding a Bikini elimination round to the contest. The sudden and unexpected move is seen as an attempt by Cowell to thwart the budding career of a fairytale come true.

But like the little train that could, Susan Boyle is not giving up and has hired a personal stylist to give her a cosmetic makeover. However, realizing that would not be enough and earnestly seeking to silence any rumors that he is attempt to kill her career and eager to show the world that his cold hearted exterior is just showmanship and that he is really a soft cuddly bunny rabbit inside, Simon Cowell has procured the services of a personal trainer and flown him from Hollywood to get Susan Boyle in bikini fitting shape.

"It will be a real challenge," said Marcus Hunter, a professional personal trainer to the stars. "I mean I never worked with some so out of shape."

Despite the daunting challenge, however, Hunter remains confident that he can get Boyle into shape by combing her rich Scottish cuisine with California's Mexican cultural heritage and traditions.

"In auditing Susan's diet," said Hunter. "I realized right of way that she was too found of haggis."

According to Hunter it's not the extra calorie intake from all the spare sheep or calf organs boiled in the animal's stomach that is doing Boyle's diet in, but the oatmeal that thrown in.

"People might not realize it," said Hunter. "But oatmeal is very fattening, clogging up the arteries restricting blood flow to the extremities and especially the most vital parts of the human body: the brain and heart."

So Hunter has thrown together a physical workout regime of what he calls, "Piñata Cross Training".

"Basically," explains Hunter "Its a traditional Mexican piñata I construct from scratch, using the hollow interior like an animal's stomach, stuffing it with all the boiled blood organs of a sheep, very much like tradition Scottish dish of haggis. Except without the life threatening oatmeal."

But there ends the similarity as Hunter then doctorates the outside of it with colorful red, green and white streamers. Hanging it to a nearby tree with a rope, so he can control it, pulling up and down to keep it out of reach of Susan Boyle, who is blindfolded and armed with a stick, he taunts her for hours as she struggles to break open the piñata for her only meal of the day.

"Once Susan gets a whiff of that piñata, seeping with the juices that rain down allover her face, she just can't stop," says Hunter. "She swings away at it with her stick all day long."

Every time Susan Boyle tires, Hunter merely gives the rope a tug and down come the meat juices raining on her face again, prompting her to get back on her feet again and blindly swing away again, until she collapses again and the process repeats allover again.

Of course, at the end of each day, Hunter allows Boyle to break open the piñata and she finally partakes its fatty contents.

"Simon Cowell gives me a call to let me know when the old girl has had enough of a workout for the day," says Hunter. "And that's when I lower the piñata down for an easy strike."

As for the final results, Hunter thinks both the audience and Susan Boyle will be surprised. Provided, that is, that she survives.

"But I don't think there will be any surprising Simon Cowell," said Hunter. "Because he's the one that designed the 'Piñata Cross Training' personally just for Susan Boyle himself."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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