Film stars attend the funeral of the British movie industry

Funny story written by matwil

Sunday, 29 March 2009

image for Film stars attend the funeral of the British movie industry
Helena Bonham-Broadbent-Thompson-Fiennes

The British movie industry, which died in 1984, was today laid to rest in London, and hundreds of famous actors and actresses attended the funeral.

Helena Bonham-Carter, who has had surgery to make a Victorian costume part of her body, including a bustle and a frilly lacy thing, was there, as were Johnny Crapp and Emma Thompson, and her father Brian Dougal.

'When the British movie industry was alive it brought us so many classic films, from 'Get Carter' to 'The Long Good Friday', she said, wiping a tear away with an Edwardian cambric handkerchief, 'from 'The Third Man' to 'Zulu'. But then as it got older it began to give us less and less interesting ones, and ones that became dumber and dumber, so dumb that they were clearly being made for the American market.'

'And finally they became one continuous identical period costume drama, every one exactly the same crap with the same handful of crap actors, what an earth Americans must think of the British when they watch them!'

'That we all speak like the Queen, and are either gentlemen or cads, or are either ladies or just ladies, and the entire island only has one token working-class person wot speaks loik Dick van Doik? So then the British movie industry died, and will be sadly missed by anyone over the age of 30.'

And adding to this, Hollywood legend Tom Midget, wearing his customary stilts and Nazi uniform, said: 'The rumors the British movie industry was taken over by Americans in the 80s, and since then brought out childish, simplistic tosh, to feed dumb American audiences that actually want to watch such garbage, are untrue.'

'And so is the rumor that every British movie has the same Hollywood formula for cretins - Victorian/Edwardian era or modern London, costumes, plummy accents, Helena Thompson-Broadbent and Hugh Grant, girly problems, dashing cad, weepy bit, strong but quiet hero, all works out in the end, aaaaaaaaaaah! Makes me want to puke!'

The death of the British movie industry was widely predicted, especially by Hollywood executives, and came as no surprise to anyone. 'Oi blame the guvvahment', a passing chimney sweep said,' it's roit ridiculumous when our once prahd British film wossitsname's bin taken owver by them bleedin' Yanks.'

'Just off to 'ave me tea with me wife, tha knaws, then oi be 'avin' some coider with the boys, then oi moight gow and watch the Villa ply against the 'Ammers. Though ah dinna ken their strip from that of West 'Am's, like. Away, man, ain't too many of these accents sahf of the river, mate, knowworrimean?'

The Queen sent this telegram to the funeral: 'We are sad to hear of the demise of the British movie industry, we have always felt it was part of our way of life, in times of trouble and in times of leisure. But we became especially pleased when it dropped all those dreadful working-class accents that over 40 million Brits speak, and dropped all those unpredictable and unique plots and dramas.'

'And dropped all those great actors, and replaced them with cardboard cut-outs that bore people to tears. And dropped making comedies that show the world the great British sense of humour, and started making limp crap for our American relations.'

'Our thoughts are with Helena Bonham-Carter, for she is our second niece-in-law's great-great-grandmother's-brother's-half-otter-half-brassiere-tester's daughter, and we also wish well towards the Fienneses, Thompsonses, Broadbentses and Hopkinses, as they are the only people that appear in British movies any more. More tea, your Holiness?'

Michael Caine was seen in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, desperately trying to get Carter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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