Charo To Replace Britney on Summer Tour

Written by Dan Margherita

Friday, 18 June 2004

Already calling it the surprise entertainment event of the summer, promoters announced this morning that Spanish singer, dancer and actress Charo will replace Britney Spears on this summer's "Onyx Hotel Tour". After Ms. Spears injured herself on the set of her latest video, necessitating arthroscopic knee surgery, there were reports that the tour would be cancelled but Charo's availability means that the tour will open in Hartford on June 22nd as scheduled and continue right through (quoting from the announcement) "a ‘muy caliente!' summer" to Bakersfield, California on August 15th.

"I was shaking my cuchi cuchi before she was born", the veteran entertainer commented when asked the obvious question about the almost four decade difference in their ages. Less certain is exactly how Charo will bridge the musical gap between her own songs, carefully preserved on videotape from appearances on the Mike Douglas Show, the Merv Griffin Show and others and those of Britney's catalogue. One idea under consideration is to retool the songs to Charo's well known style, meaning that the play list will include "No puede ser!... I did it again" and "Bebé, one more time". Another Spears hit, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" is unlikely to be performed until someone thinks of an appropriate reworking, although Charo herself recommended, "I'm not a cuchi, not yet a cuchi cuchi.".

Promoters also had to concede to Charo's demand that most of the songs be performed with flamenco guitar accompaniment. While initially cool to the idea, they now hope this will give younger concert-goers a new appreciation for the music. Older fans who come wanting to see Charo will be pleased with her other contractual stipulation that two old talk show friends of hers, comedian Pat Cooper and singer Rod McKuen, open the show.

All venues are sold out but many good seats are expected to become available once any and all refunds are made.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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