WALL-E Enormous at the Box Office; Jolie's Jugs Come in 2nd

Funny story written by Schmoker

Sunday, 29 June 2008


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Mattel's WALL-E knockoff is for kids and adults. "We really think both men and women will like the ribbed appendages

(La La Land, CA) - By turning on both children and adults, WALL-E sucked up nearly $63 million at the North American box office this past weekend. Telling the story of the last working sex toy/vacuum cleaner left on a barren and refuse strewn planet Earth, WALL-E took on Angelina Jolie's massive mammary glands, on display to great effect in Wanted, and popped them like balloons.

While many box office pundits wondered if the mostly wordless WALL-E would play with either children or adults, attendance was almost evenly split between those over and under age 25. The tale about the little vibrator-who-could ended up being a big hit with both kids and their parents.

"I never knew you could do all of that with a vacuum cleaner," said Troy Bonerall, 13, adding, "I can't wait to get home and try it out."

Little Troy was at the 3:00 p.m. showing of WALL-E with his dad, Peter, 39, who shook his head and chuckled at his son's comments.

"I remember when I first discovered how a Hoover could help you through puberty," said the former rubber worker from Akron, Ohio, "and I had that same look on my face. I thought I knew something no one else in the world did, too."

But boys and their fathers weren't the only ones sharing a secret smile after seeing WALL-E.

"Now I know why mommy is always saying that a mechanical device is really a girl's best friend," said Amber Lynn Hump, 12. "I'm going straight to her bed stand drawer as soon as we get home."

Her mother, Ida Mae Hump, 42, just shrugged, smiled and said, "My little girl is finally growing up, and it's all thanks to WALL-E."

Not willing to settle for just being sloppy seconds, however, Angelina Jolie's breasts milked up $50 million in Wanted. That figure was far in excess of most projections, more than acceptable to the studio, and it would have been good enough for first place on most other weekends of the year.

Speaking in a high, reedy voice, the bouncing twin bundles of love that are the true stars of Wanted, an adaptation of the popular graphic novel about teenage geek wish fulfillment, let it be known that there are a couple of new heavy hitters in town.

"Lefty and I have now opened two consecutive films over $30 million when we have been used properly," said Righty, the slightly larger of the two. "I think we have shown that the glass ceiling in this town is wholly artificial. We got Angie her first big break in Gia, and now we have cemented her status as someone who is truly dependable box office."

Lefty then piped in with, "And you see what happened when weren't displayed to proper effect in The Mighty Heart. It bombed completely. Angelina needs us as much as we need her."

Giggling, Righty added, "Yeah. No one is going to pay to see Angie in a bad wig unless she's also wearing a dress cut down to there," indicating a spot just below Lefty's areola

Ms. Jolie-Pitt-Hepburn just shook her head at this and smiled, casting much the same expression as that 39-year-old rubber worker from Akron.

"No matter who you are, your little ones sure can bring you down to earth, can't they?" said Jolie.

Defying expectations, Steve Carell's bid to become the next Jason Bourne (only taller and not as funny), Get Smart, only dropped 44% from last weekend, taking in another $21.5 million. That was good enough for a strong third place.

"I don't think you'll see me do many feces laden comedies anymore," said Carell in an interview with Soldier of Fortune magazine. "Next I am going to star in the fifth Rambo film, Nephew of Rambo. It will have some laughs, but I'm also going to be ripping out a guy's heart and eating it in front of him before he dies."

An obviously excited Carell said he'd been working his way up to that stunt.

"I've been practicing at home on the neighbor lady's cats."

As expected, Kung Fu Panda and The Incredible Hulk came in fourth and fifth, pulling in $12 and $9.5 million respectively.

Mike Myers, on the other hand, pretty much cemented his status this weekend as the latest egomaniac to take a huge fall by making a movie solely for his own amusement, as his film The Love Guru registered box office numbers so low as to be unquantifiable.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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