Secrets of New Indiana Jones Movie Revealed

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Thursday, 10 April 2008

image for Secrets of New Indiana Jones Movie Revealed
Proof that there are no bones in those big ears or long tongue

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" will be released on May 22nd. Hollywood experts already project that this will be the biggest movie of the year in the United States and in the world. This fourth installment will still feature Harrison Ford in the title roll, with Karen Allen returning as Marion Ravenwood (her character from "Raiders of the Lost Ark")

While security around this project has been tight, this publication has been able to determine answers to some of the biggest questions and theories surrounding the film.

For example, it will finally be explained why the Jones family, with the senior Doctor Jones being a professor of English Literature, was living in southeastern Utah while Indiana was a teenager (far from any university). The answer? They are Mormons! On his archaeological adventures, Indy is actually trying to find Joseph Smith's golden plates!

Is the character of Mutt Williams, played by Shia LeBeouf, the love child of Jones and Ravenwood? No, he is the love child of Short Round and Willie Scott (characters from "The Temple of Doom.")

Is the Crystal Skull from a Roswell-type alien? No. Lucas and Spielberg have decided recycle props from their other movies. The skull is actually from a Gungan (the race/species that gave us JarJar Binks).

Does Henry Jones (Sean Connery) make an appearance? Who do you think gets to be the lucky one to shoot JarJar? The cast member with the most Oscars!

Marian said in the first movie that her father was dead, yet John Hurt plays Abner Ravenwood in this film. Is this a flashback? No. We learn that at the end of the previous movie, Indy and the others did not ride off into the sunset until after they got the Holy Grail. They use it to raise Abner from the dead to help on this adventure, along with Marian's monkey and Jones' rival Belloq.

Will Sallah appear in this movie? No. John Rhys-Davies would only appear if he could wear his dwarf make-up and play Gimli from The Lord of the Rings movies. As Spielberg got beat out for Oscars by that series, he said "NO!"

Will Indy have to eat chilled monkey brains again? No. George Lucas said that Fear Factor took the fun out of gross foods.

Will there be another Indiana Jones movie after this one? Only if the studio agrees to proved Depends and Ensure on the set for the principal actors and producers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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